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August 21, 2013
 Updated February 6, 2014
One of the three Oklahoma teens charged in the murder of Christopher Lane said “We were were bored. So we decided to kill someone.” There’s so much that’s crazy scary about that statement, I don’t know where to start.
I’ll start here: I know nothing about those bored kids, but they’re clearly suffering from acute empathy deficit. That speaks to the current state of parenting and teaching. It also speaks to the violence and cruelty that passes for entertainment and online “bonding,” but I’m going to keep this short and to the point.
Not all teachers are parents watching out for the well-being of their own offspring. But an educator’s job description includes teaching your students to be ethical people, who are respectful to others. It used to go without saying that ethics and social responsibility (we called it Good Citizenship) were part of every every class, every grade level, every day. People became teachers not only because they loved chemistry or English literature or geometry, but because they found purpose and pride in their ability to connect with students, mind-to-mind and heart-to-heart. Teachers took their role as mentors very seriously.
As for parents who are raising children and guiding them into adulthood, all of us are teachers and mentors and influencers. If we’re not consistently teaching our kids to be good people who can responsibly manage their emotions (and their boredom) then we’re failing our kids. And in so doing, we’re making our families, schools and communities much less safe for all of us.
UPDATE: The three teens who allegedly shot Chris Lane are due in court on Tuesday, February 11th.
August 19, 2013
They say schools are no longer in the business of teaching good citizenship, character, ethics or whatever you want to call it because educators are too busy “teaching to the test.” There’s no test for character that can be graded to give districts bragging rights for getting their scores up, so why teach this stuff? Because there actually is a test for character. It’s called Life and we ought to be teaching to it. When we don’t, we get this…
Hey Terra,
People at school don’t like me because me and this popular girl got into a little fight and I won. To get even she spread rumours about me saying I was in a mental institution for weird and violent behavior (a complete lie). Then everyone started to insult and ignore me. She does it the most. They say stuff like “Hey freak! No one likes you, so why dont you take a long walk off a short bridge?” Everyday. I don’t get a break from it. I insult them back. I know I probably shouldn’t bother, but it’s really hard not to. It’s like automatic for me now. I don’ t like being told to basically die. It’s not right for anyone to be told that.
So Fed Up
 See it. Name it. Stop it. Dear Fed Up,
These kids are being rude and cruel. I know it’s hard to hear this crap and try to brush it off. I’ve heard it said that no one can bring you down without your permission. That’s kinda true and kinda not. Humans are wired to be emotional. We’re also wired to want other people to like us. So when someone shouts angry words in your face or online, your human wiring kicks in. Your heart beats faster (and not in a good way) and you feel attacked. Even if the person isn’t someone you know or care about. Even if what he or she says is a lie. Words hurt. We feel it. So I totally understand the temptation to attack back. Except… it doesn’t help. You’ve seen that. It just makes things worse. Like throwing gasoline on a fire. That won’t put it out.
But you need to learn to take care of yourself. That doesn’t mean yelling nasty stuff back at people who are mean to you. You need to take care of yourself by figuring out how to response so that
a) you don’t give anyone permission to push your buttons so you automatically react like a puppet and
b) at least one adult at school and/or at home steps in and gets to the bottom of this so that this girl and her followers no longer feel they’ve got the right to talk to you or anyone in this way.
I just took my fingers off the keyboard for a minute. I’m taking a deep breath now, because hearing about this stuff every day really upsets me. I feel frustrated there are kids who believe it’s OK to be mean to other kids. I also feel frustrated that the adults who run schools (principals, counselors, teachers, coaches) have not done a better job making school a safer more accepting place for all students all the time.
Still breathing. It helps. Take some deep breaths on your own whenever you need to calm down. Then think about what would really make this situation better. Forget about trying to talk to the girl. Go to adults in power. Talk to your parents. Tell them what you told me. Tell them just how Fed Up you are. Talk to the principal (with or without your parents). Talk to the school counselor. This has to stop. Adults can make it stop. Remind them it’s their job.
Take care.
In friendship,
Terra
————–
I’m so sick of the situations that prompt these emails. Where are the adults in charge? Do they really not know what’s going on? Do they believe it’s not part of their “job” to get involved with fights between students? Do they worry they’ll get no support from their administrators if they step in? Do they worry they’ll get in trouble with parents for calling out kids who are disrepecting other kids? Or have they just given up, believing that peer harassment is a problem bigger than any remedy they might offer in the moment?
I don’t know what school administrators and teachers think about the bullying that persists in their schools. Why don’t you tell me? I’m listening.
August 14, 2013
For many girls and guys the start of this school year means starting over in a new community. That may include leaving behind good friends and a town you loved. Even if you didn’t love everything about your old school, you may not have wanted to move. In the middle of dealing with those emotions, you now have to get used to living in a new place. Once you locate the new school (Thank you, GPS!) you’ve got to get used to new teachers and a new schedule without getting totally lost on your way to class. On top of all this is the major challenge of figuring out where you fit in with hundreds of kids you don’t know.
If you are the New Kid in school, this blog is for you. (It’s part of my upcoming The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship, illustrated by the infinitely talented Erica De Chavez) If you’re not the New Kid, read on anyway. Then, hopefully you’ll be on the look-out for anyone at school (new or old) who needs a friend.
Q: My family just moved to a new state. I had to leave all of my friends. Now I’m at a new school. How do I make new friends?
A: Welcome to your new school! You’re probably excited and a little sad because you left some friends behind when you moved. Being in a new school without friends is like watching a movie without popcorn. Making new friends will help you feel more at home in your new home. But how do you make friends? Here are some tips:
1. Be friendly. That means act like someone who wants friends. Smile. Say, “Hi, I’m ____. What’s your name?” That lets kids know what a nice girl you are.
2. Be a good listener. Ask kids what your new school is like and listen to what they say. When people ask you questions, don’t brag (“I was the most popular girl at my old school.”) or make stuff up (“My old school had flying unicorns the students could ride on.”)
3. Ask to be included. This takes courage, so you may need some slow deep breaths before you say, “Hi. Can I play?”
4. Find a buddy. Be on the lookout for at least one girl who seems like she could become a good friend for you. Then follow the directions for #1.
Good luck and have a great school year!
In friendship,
Annie
PS If you want a couple more “sneak peeks” of The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship you’ll find them here and here.
UPDATE October 3, 2014: The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship: 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship Without the DRAMA is now available in print and on Kindle (the ebook can be read on any device, your mobile phone, tablet, or computer with the free Kindle reader app). Visit GirlsQandA.com for an excerpt, reviews, and to order your copy.
August 9, 2013
This week’s email delivered a truckload of back-to-school worries from teens who are shot through with stress hormones and exclamation points. Like this one, from “Anxious!”
Hey Terra,
So I’m starting a new year of school going to 8th grade! Last year I met my bff when she moved here from another state. We instantly connected and had basically every class together.
One day she asked me, “Are we bffl’s?”
I said “Of course!”
She said, “Great! Just making sure!’
When school ended all these thoughts came to mind: “What if she finds new best friends?’ “What if she’s bored with me?” “What if we don’t have any classes together!?”
Before school ended we talked about what if we have no classes together next year she said, “I would beg the counselor and say ‘I need classes with my friend please!!'” We laughed and agreed we’d both do that. But this is my worst nightmare: ‘What if we drift apart?!’
School starts in 3 weeks! I’m really excited but scared because I don’t wanna let go of our friendship because I just feel really comfortable with my bff and can talk about anything with her! What if I have no classes with her?! I’m sure the counselor won’t change my schedule just for that!
Anxious Almost 8th Grader
 Let the future write itself Dear Anxious,
I’m really sorry to hear you’re so worried about what might happen when school starts. It would be much more fun to enjoy the rest of the summer instead of stressing about this friendship. Do you know that worrying is actually a choice? And you can choose not to do it? It’s true. You may not be able to control every thought that pops into your head, but you can learn to notice when you’re thinking those worrying thoughts and choose to take slow deep breaths and put the brakes on before you get yourself so upset you can’t think straight.
You seem like a very smart girl, so here’s a fact to insert into that intelligent brain of yours: The stuff you’re imagining is not a predictor of the future. But the more you let those worrying thoughts swirl around inside your head the more real they seem. But they’re not real. The stuff you’re worrying may never happen the way you are imagining it. If any of it happens, it won’t turn out to be the terrible thing you are imagining.
Have you ever read a really exciting book and just couldn’t wait to find out what happens so you peeked ahead? You can do that with a book because the story has already been written. Even though you may only be on page 87, the “future” of the characters is planned and plotted and written right down to the last word. If want to peek ahead to page 90, you can read how things turn out. But your life isn’t a book. Your future isn’t written yet and it won’t be until it becomes Present Time. Do you understand what I’m saying, sweetie? You are worrying a lot about what’s going to happen this coming school year. But if “My 8th Grade Year” were a book and you peeked ahead all you would see are blank pages.
Right now, you are choosing to make up a bunch of stuff to go on those blank pages. You are filling pages with all the unpleasant things you are imagining: “What if she finds new best friends?” “What if she’s bored with me?” What if we nave NO classes together?!” Since you have such a good imagination, why not make up some pleasant stuff? That’s a choice too!
Or you can do this. Talk to your friend about what you’ve been worrying about. Share the feelings. Make an agreement that whatever happens in 8th grade, that you two will talk about it and work together to figure it out… that’s what real friends are for.
I hope this helps.
Now try to enjoy the rest of your summer vacation.
In friendship,
Terra
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