Annie Fox's Blog...

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

“Sometimes I get really angry!”

November 13, 2017

What are you looking at?

Our kids live in a faster, noisier, more stressed out world than the one we grew up in. That contributes to more people “losing it” more often. Not surprising kids may wonder if they’ll grow up behaving as poorly as some of the adults they observe at home, at school, on TV. That was on the mind of this teen who recently reached out to me:

Teen: I get angry kind of easily and I’m afraid that I might abuse when I get older. Please help.

Annie: What makes you angry? Just certain things? Or everything and everybody?

Teen: Sometimes I just get angry because someone is bothering me and I ask them to stop and they don’t stop so I get really angry. I get angry over little things sometimes, too.

Annie: Humans have lots of emotions. Sometimes we get angry over little things and bigger things. Frustration, annoyance, irritation… those are parts of anger. Emotions are just emotions. They come and go, right? We don’t always get to choose how we feel about someone or the situation we find ourselves in. You feel whatever you feel in the moment. But here’s the thing, your emotions can’t hurt other people, but your behavior can. Sounds like you’re worried you will have trouble controlling your behavior in the future. Is that it?

Teen: Yes. I worry about that. A lot.

Annie: The future doesn’t exist. There is only now. This moment. But the choices you make, the way you act in this moment and the next one can lead to the kind of person you will become in the future. It’s all about your behavior. So, tell me, what do you do now when you get angry?

Teen: If I’m in class I go out in the hall and just cool down. But when I’m not in school I usually just hit something soft like a pillow.
Annie: I’m proud of the good job you’re doing cooling down. You recognize that it’s never ok to be violent. When you get angry you know what you need to do so no one gets hurt. Awesome! You said you were worried that you “might abuse” when you get older. Is there someone in your family who is not doing such a good job when he or she gets angry? Someone who is verbally or physically hurting others when they are mad?
Teen: I don’t know anyone in my family that abuses.
Annie: I’m really glad to hear that! You are being very responsible with your behavior when you’re angry and it sounds like the people in your family are doing the same. You’re learning from them to do the right thing. I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
Teen: Ok. Thanks.
Annie: You’re welcome. Email me any time you need to talk about something that’s worrying you.

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No confidence and no boyfriend. Is there a connection?

May 25, 2017

Must be spring because my teen email is all about crushes. Most from middle schoolers. I won’t bore you my history, but…  occasionally I dream about my 7th grade crush. So believe me, I get romantic insanity. Either you’re out-of-mind euphoric or in a hopeless funk. Sometimes feeling both within five minutes.

No one but you can un-do this negative self-talk, sister

No one but you can un-do this negative self-talk, sister

This 7th grader is crushing hard. Slight problem: the guy is dating her best friend.

Hey Terra,
My best friend’s new boyfriend happens to be my childhood crush. He and I were very close throughout elementary school. We even liked each other in the third grade. So her being with him doesn’t feel right to me. I should have been his first kiss and his first girlfriend. Last year, in 6th grade, I liked him a lot but I got over him. Then this year I found out him and my bff liked each other the whole time! Most of my friends have boyfriends. I should have one too! I am very insecure and I need a boyfriend to feel confident about myself. What do I do to feel confident? Please Help.
-Insecure Girl

Dear Insecure Girl,

You say you got over this guy and maybe you did. But emotional attachments are tricky and sometimes you believe you’re “over it” then, suddenly, your ex is in your face and in your heart again. Seeing your crush with your bff isn’t easy. It’s also not easy to see a bunch of your other friends coupled up when you’re not.

You can’t control other people’s feelings (obviously). But you can stop making things harder for yourself. For example, you’ve been thinking you need a boyfriend to be less insecure. That a boyfriend would solve all your self-confidence issues. That’s just not true.

I understand you want a boy to like you the way your crush likes your bestie. That’s fine. Everyone wants to be loved and admired. But when you try to convince yourself what happened in 3rd grade ought to put you first in line to be his girlfriend, that’s wrong-thinking. You don’t get to decide who becomes this guy’s first kiss or girlfriend. That’s his decision. You’re a smart girl. You don’t need me to tell you that.

You asked my advice. Here it is: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It will only bring you down. So will all the “I need a boyfriend” thoughts. That’s a form of self-bullying. Not helpful. Instead, focus on what you love to do and do more of it. Art, writing, sports, dance or music, theatre or science, photography, technology, entrepreneurship, cooking, or a zillion other things the world has to offer.

Focus on being the unique and awesome girl you already are. You have everything you need. Nothing is missing from this equation. No boyfriend required. Use your interests to guide you, create short-term and long goals and achieve them. That’s what makes a person confident in herself.

I hope this helps.

In friendship,
Terra

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How come I don’t have a boyfriend yet?!

July 10, 2016

When is it my turn to be loved?

When is it my turn to be loved?

If you really want a bf/gf, but don’t have one, and everyone else does, it can bring you down. You may wonder, “What’s wrong with me?” I totally remember feeling this way in high school. It sucked. Once you buy a ticket to ride that depressing train of thought, you’ll assume you don’t have enough of whatever you think you need to be loved. (“I’m not hot enough, not cool enough, not thin enough, not buff enough, not outgoing enough, etc. etc. etc.”)

So I understand what’s going on when I get an email like this one:

Hey Terra – 

I shouldn’t be upset about this but I am. I’m going to be 16 soon and I’ve never had a boyfriend or even had a guy ask me out. I’m worried I’ll be unprepared for a real committed relationship and be forever alone. I really want to know what that teenager rush of young love feels like that so many of my friends have experienced. What do I do? – Ms. Loveless

Dear Ms. Loveless,

I understand where you’re coming from. But please don’t assume that teen relationships prepare you for “real” committed adult relationships based on mutual trust, respect, honesty, shared values, open communication. They rarely do. You need to be an adult to have an adult relationship. As intelligent and mature as you seem to be, you are still becoming an adult, not there yet. You are still a full-time student, still living in your parents’ home, being supported and supervised by them. As it should be… for now.

You say that so many of your friends have experienced the “teenager rush of young love” and you want to feel it, too. It will happen. I guarantee it. I can’t say when, but it will. So don’t worry about that. You should also not assume that you will be “forever alone,” though I understand, in your current loneliness, why you might believe it. It’s not true. So you can relax on that score as well.

You want a boyfriend. That’s an awesome goal. Start working toward it with your eyes wide open. Make a list of the characteristics you want in a boyfriend. What’s important to you? (Honesty? Intelligence? A sense of humor? ) Make as detailed a list as you want. This will get you thinking about what you value most in the people you are closest to. And while you’re making lists, take a shot at listing all the positive characteristics you posses. That will put you into a mindset of being more confident about what you’ve got to offer in a relationship.

I hope this helps.

In friendship,
Terra

Filed under: Parenting,Teens,Tweens — Tags: , , — Annie @ 6:41 pm
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Tween asks, “Who was that guy my mom was with??”

June 10, 2015

As part of my ongoing series of Q&A from my email, today I’m bringing you a question from a 7th grader. Even if the situation he’s in is not something your child is dealing with, it’s helpful to be reminded how sensitive kids are. They notice everything and when they’re too scared to let us in on their worries, they suffer in silence. On the other hand, when we sharpen our radar we’re better able to notice when they might be upset. That’s when we need to step up and encourage them to open up.

I don't know who to talk to about this.

I don’t know who to talk to about this.

Today’s question: I’m 12 and my parents are divorced. Me and my little sister live with my mom. Today when I got home I saw this guy with his arm around my mom. I felt annoyed. I didn’t know what to say. When they left together my mom said she was going to work. I felt like a nobody. I wont tell her I know but, I wanna feel better.

–Lost and Confused

Dear Lost and Confused,

This is a tough one. It can be really awkward when you see one of your parents with someone else. I don’t know how long your parents have been divorced or if either Mom or Dad has dated before, but this is probably something you are going to have to get used to. Your Mom loves you and your sister very much. That hasn’t changed. But she is not married and she has the right to date. Please reconsider talking to her about it. It would be a smart move on your part. You might say something like this: “Mom, the other day when I saw you with that guy, I felt uncomfortable. “ Then ask her whatever is on your mind. For example, “Who is he?” “How long do you know him?” “Where did you meet him?” “Is he your boyfriend?” “Are you going to marry him?” Whatever you want to ask… ASK her. You will feel better knowing what’s going on. That is the best way to stop feeling “like a nobody.” You are NOT a “nobody” you are your mom’s child. And as a 12 year old, you have the right to know certain things. So… ask.
You can do this. Good luck! And let me know how it goes.

In friendship,
Terra

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