Friendship | Annie Fox's Blog

Does she bite?

June 1, 2010

Trust me. I'm a friend.

The developmentally disabled adults sat in front of the church waiting for their bus. “Would you like to say hello to my dog?” I asked the young woman who cautiously eyed my puppy. She recoiled and shook her head. But this pooch takes her job on the Welcoming Committee very seriously so she just kicked the wagging and wiggling up a notch. The woman was finding it hard to resist.

“Does he bite?” she wanted to know.
“Nope. But she’s really into kisses.”
The woman smiled, relaxed and the bonding began.

It’s risky business making a new friend. Especially if you’re a tween or teen who hasn’t had a lot of social success. It would be very cool to find out in advance: “Does she bite?”

From the email I get from kids I know that bullying and/or harassment situations often involve former friends. (AKA, a frenemy) The betrayal hurts as much if not more than the nastiness.

If only we could find out earlier if she “bites.” Might avoid a lot of drama and suffering.

Filed under: Cruel's Not Cool,Parenting,Teens — Tags: bullying, Cruel's Not Cool, dogs, Friendship, Teens, Tweens — Annie @ 1:16 pm

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Love is all we need, so why not ask for it?

December 21, 2009

Sometimes we choose to walk alone. Sometimes we've got no choice.

Right before Thanksgiving a few years back, a dear friend emailed me: “I know this is incredibly presumptuous, and Miss Manners would be scandalized, but I’m wrangling for an invitation.”

I was blown away. Not by her directness (God no!) but by the fact that she felt she had no right to say, “I need a place to be on Thanksgiving. Can you help me?”

We were heading out of town for the holiday, but I immediately called my friend and thanked her for trusting me with the truth and for honoring herself. She was relieved she’d done the right thing by speaking up. Most of us are much quicker to stand up for others than for ourselves. Especially women. On some level we must believe that we don’t deserve to get our emotional needs met. But where does that foolishness come from?

Babies are irresistibly cute so adults fall hard and take care of them. Once they’ve gotten their sweet baby hooks into our hearts, they’re great at expressing their physical and emotional needs. But as our kids grow, our conversations with them center mostly on the physical aspects of life: Sweetheart, are you hungry? Do you want something to drink? Is it nap time? Why don’t you put on a sweater?

As a result, asking for that tangible stuff is very easy for kids: Dad, I need a ride. Mom, I need you to sign this. I want a new computer. I need some money. Because most parents don’t focus on helping kids express emotional needs, tweens and teens rarely say: I need a hug. I need to share this exciting news! I need a shoulder to cry on. I need a kind word. I need a friend. I need you to tell me the truth. I need help.

I asked a bunch of 6th-8th graders to rate themselves on these two statements: “It’s easy for me to ask for help.” and “I pretend things are OK when they aren’t.” The results? 25% of the kids said, “It’s never or almost never easy for me to ask for help.” Another 25% reported that “sometimes” they had trouble asking for help. And here’s another sad finding: A whopping 83% admitted that “sometimes, always or almost always” they pretend things are OK when they really aren’t.

An unwillingness to ask for help coupled with a habit of pretending things are fine when they’re not is no way to live. In fact, when we deny our human need to connect heart-to-heart, we end up short-changing ourselves and the people we’re closest to.

A parent’s role is to raise an emotionally healthy young adult. That includes helping a child recognize what he/she is feeling and learning to ask for support when needed. Of course self-reliance is essential and being able to calm yourself at times of stress is a life-skill, but we’re all interdependent. When we let people love us and help us, we honor the most human part of ourselves.

Turns out my friend was brave enough to express her needs to someone else who gladly opened his heart and home. Consequently she had a wonderful holiday.

This season, hold nothing back. Allow yourself to love and be loved fully, without reservation.

Peace.

Filed under: Holidays,Parenting,Pop Culture — Tags: community spirit, Friendship, help, Holidays, Love — Annie @ 4:03 pm

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Peer Approval Addiction support group meets here

October 19, 2009

It's hard not to worry when everyone's watching

I jumped right in. If I couldn’t immediately let these 7th grade girls know a) I get middle school friendship issues, b) they could trust me to listen with compassion and respect, and c) this was a safe place to talk about stuff that really mattered, it was going to be a long and pointless hour.

My PowerPoint began with this email:

Hey Terra,

When me and my friend are alone we have a lot of fun. But when she’s with her other friends, she doesn’t talk to me at all. What do I do?

–Invisible Friend

“Who can relate to this situation?” I asked, raising my own hand high.

The girls shot each other furtive glances, but otherwise, didn’t move.

I advanced to the next slide.

Hey Terra,

My friends don’t want to be my friend anymore. They pick on me. They whisper and then look at me and laugh. When I try to make new friends they seem to steal them away from me by telling lies. My mom wants to talk to the other parents but I don’t want her to because it will make it worse! How do I deal with them?

–Lonely and Confused

“Does this one ring any bells for you? It sure does for me.” I said. My hand felt lonely and confused up there.

Again I advanced:

Hey Terra,

When I’m with these 5 girls at school I don’t behave. And even though I don’t want to, I feel like I have to act cool. I don’t wanna be with them but I have no other choice because if I leave them to be with nicer girls they’ll just call me names like “You’re a user.” And if I do leave I don’t know how to tell them. I’m really very confused.

–Lost

“How about this one, girls? C’mon. Be honest. Who’s been there?”

For the third time the girls scoped each other out, their nonverbal communication crackled with emotion, yet when my hand went up only one girl joined me. Before I could acknowledge her courage, she retreated. Probably hoping against hope that she hadn’t just ruined her entire life.

“You guys ever hear of Peer Approval Addiction?” I asked. “Nope? Well, let me explain it. You know the word addiction, right? As in drug addiction.”

They all nodded. A key element of the Good Girl Code is to impress adults with your maturity and intelligence whenever possible.

“An addiction is an out-of-control behavior that a person continues engaging in despite negative consequences to their mental or physical health, or their relationships. Why would someone do that? Not because they want to, but because they feel like they have no other choice. Just like the girl in the last email.

“Peer Approval Addiction is doing whatever it takes to fit in and be accepted by your friends and even by people you’re not close to but who you believe have power over you. That’s what’s going on right here, girls. That’s why you’re not raising your hands.

“I just want to let you know that you’re not fooling anyone. I know there have been times when you’ve felt just like ‘Invisible Friend’ and like ‘Lost and Confused.’ We all have. At least once in your life, you’ve also probably felt like you wanted to get out of a friendship because you weren’t comfortable with the way your friend was acting. At least once or maybe twice, you’ve been hurt when a friend turned against you and you didn’t have a clue why or what to do about it.

“Look, I know it can be a scary to publicly admit that you’ve been dissed, ditched or dumped by a so-called friend. I know that you’re thinking ‘If I raise my hand here and no one else does, someone’s going to tease me.’

“You’re not the only one who feels this way. All of us, teens and adults, at least once in our lives, have held ourselves back from telling the truth or doing what we knew was right because we were worried what other’s would think. So all of us are a little peer approval addicted. I know I sure am. How about you?”

I raised my hand and so did every single one of them.

We were making progress and we still had a full 54 minutes to go.

Filed under: Parenting,Teens — Tags: Emotional Intelligence, Friendship, Middle School, middle school friendship issues, peer approval addiction — Annie @ 12:53 pm

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For Teens: Why would a so-called friend do that?

March 16, 2009

It can be a challenge not to feel jealous

Here’s a recent email I got from a teen. Thought I’d share it since jealousy between friends comes up a lot.

Hey Terra,

My friend makes me really jealous. She has lots of friends who all adore her, a happy family and brains. Even though I am more successful than her at schoolwork I am not doing so good on the friend side. I try not to focus on her life but it seems to be exactly what I’m always doing. Everytime I feel like I’ve achieved something she seems to step in and tell me all about her great trip into town with this boy I like and how she hangs out with all these cool people and it makes me feel horrible. I really don’t want it to get to me because if I let something fester it makes me depressed. Please help!

Green with Envy

Dear Green,

I can understand why you might believe that your friend has a perfect life. She may not have the same challenges as you, but trust me, she’s got some. Otherwise no way would she be stepping on your achievements by bragging about all the cool things she does.

This comes down to your definition of a “real” friend. A real friend celebrates your wins. A real friend wants you to succeed. When your friend tries to shift the focus from you to her, she shows that she is a) insecure and/or b) jealous of you and/or c) completely clueless about her annoying habit of stealing the spotlight. Does that sound like someone who’s got it all together?

You say “I really don’t want it to get to me” so don’t let it. Jealousy isn’t a terminal illness. There is a cure!

It starts with examining some of your assumptions. Like this one: “I am not doing so good on the friend side.” In other words, “I assume that people don’t like me as much as they like her.” There are no hard facts here, just the decisions you make based on your assumptions and beliefs. To release the jealousy, you need to de-construct the assumption. Ready to try? Then answer these questions:

Where did the assumption “People don’t like me as much as they like her” come from? You weren’t born believing this. When did you start and why?
How does that assumption help you? For example, assuming that “People don’t like me…” might protect you from getting rejected. That could be helpful in a way. You’d stay “safe” because you wouldn’t put yourself out there socially. (“They don’t like me, so what’s the point?”)
How might that assumption cause problems? “Since ‘People don’t like me’ I withdraw and they think I’m not friendly so I get left out of stuff.” Does that happen to you?
What if that assumption were WRONG? If people really do like you, how would your behavior be different? Would you let go and be yourself more? Have more fun?
Do you want to hold on to your assumption? You have the power to do that, you know. Don’t need anyone’s permission.

Green, it’s your life. If you decide to hold on to the assumption, then know that it’s your doing, not something that your friend is doing to you.

In friendship,
Terra

Filed under: Teens,Tips — Tags: Friendship — Annie @ 2:27 pm

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