Annie Fox's Blog...

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

Podcast: Sweetheart, eat your peas!

April 26, 2010

"Hungry Monkey – A food loving father's quest to raise an adventurous eater" by Matthew Amster-Burton

My mom did just fine in the kitchen. Though she had a limited repertoire and the only spices she owned were salt, pepper, paprika, garlic powder and cinnamon, what she cooked, she cooked very well. So it wasn’t her fault I was a picky eater. How picky? So picky that I only grew to be 5’2.” Just kidding. Shortness genes probably factored in, but the truth is I was so picky I hated oatmeal. What’s not to like about oatmeal? (It’s too “wet.”) For breakfast I’d only I eat dry cereal. “Dry” meant that no milk could touch a single frosted flake or the whole bowl would be contaminated!

Most kids LOVE pizza. The cheesier the better. But I’d only nibble the unadulterated outer edges of the crust. I refused to eat bananas, apples or any fruit “with lots of juice” such in peaches, plums or nectarines. Though oranges and grapefruits were perfectly fine with me. Go figure. Canned tuna? OK. Canned salmon? No way!

I’m sure there were times Mom fantasized about what it would be like to cook for a family who appreciated all her clipped recipes from Woman’s Day magazine. But my dad was raised by a mother whose most special meal was boiled, unsalted chicken, so what did he know? And my brothers? Don’t even get me started.  One puts ketchup on pasta and the other believes eggplant is carcinogenic.

As someone who now eats all kinds of international cuisines and loves cooking for my family and friends, I totally understand my mom’s frustration.

Parents nurture. It’s what we do. And food is our most obvious way of nurturing our kids. Eat, sweetheart! Eat! But what do you do when your child refuses your food? That’s got to feel like a rejection not of the creamed spinach but of YOU! And don’t believe for a minute that kids don’t realize that a hurt parent who’s probably a bit anxious that little Emily isn’t getting her full spectrum of nutrition is a highly manipulateable parent.

“Ooh, you don’t want the scrambled eggs? Sorry. They’re gone. Instead I’ll make you pancakes. What’s that? The pancakes are too goey? Too chewy? Too round? No worries, sweetie pie. I’ll just dump these and whip up some cinnamon French toast. Pressed flat and super dry just the way you like it. No trouble at all.”

Got a picky eater at your table? Before you pull out (all) your hair, pull up a chair, pour yourself a cup of coffee. Grab a blueberry muffin to go with it and let’s talk about kids and food.

In this week’s podcast I talk with Matthew Amster-Burton, author of Hungry Monkey: A food loving father’s quest to raise an adventurous eater.

Matthew is a food writer based in Seattle. He writes frequently for  Gourmet.com, Culinate, Seattle Magazine, and the Seattle Times. He has been featured repeatedly in the Best Food Writing anthology. Hungry Monkey chronicles the early years of his daughter Iris’s life as documented through the lens of their ongoing cooking and eating adventures and mis-adventures.

Listen to my interview with Matthew Amster-Burton right here:

[QUICKTIME http://www.anniefox.com/podcast/FC016.m4a 300 300 false true]

If you have iTunes, you can subscribe to this podcast in the iTunes Store.

Or, you can download an MP3 version here.

Upcoming guests include:

Salome Thomas-El (aka Principal El), author of I Choose to Stay: A Black Teacher Refuses to Desert the Inner City and The Immortality of Influence: We Can Build The Best Minds of the Next Generation.

David McQueen, international speaker empowering adults and youth alike on subjects such as leadership, careers and communication skills.

Dr. Elizabeth J. Meyer, author of  Gender, Bullying and Harassment: Strategies to End Sexism and Homophobia in Schools

Dr. Karyn Purvis, co-author (with Dr. David Cross, Wendy Lyons Sunshine) of The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family

*What’s a podcast? “A podcast is a series of digital media files, usually either digital audio or video, that is made available for download via web syndication.” –Wikipedia… So, in this case, there’s an audio file for you to listen to (in addition to reading the above).

---------

Raising kids who are at home with themselves

January 15, 2010

Life isn't always a bowl of cherries.

Life isn't always a bowl of cherries.

When I was 15 my father died suddenly. Though I continued living at the same address until I left for college, it never again felt like home. That’s probably when I began looking for something that couldn’t be lost or taken away – a feeling of home inside myself.

When you meet someone who is truly at home with herself, she put others at ease by osmosis. Her self-acceptance expands to include accepting you. We are instinctively drawn to such people.

Many of your children will be graduating this spring… from elementary school. From middle or high school. From college. Big changes in store that are best weathered by kids who are at home with themselves so they can be “at home” wherever they are. Accepting of others and new situations.

How well prepared are your children for the next chapter in their lives, whatever it might be? How confident are they in their ability to cope with and adapt to what’s ahead? And what can you do to help and support them throughout? Here are some tips:

How to raise young adults who are at home with themselves

1. Create a home base that’s a safety net and a launching pad. Home should support a child’s emotional development and nurture his spirit. With a stable, loving and accepting family to return to anything is possible… even venturing into the unknown. Kids who grow up with a strong foundation are like turtles, always carrying their sense of home along with them. Remind yourself often that your parenting goal is to prepare your children for life. That means helping them develop critical thinking skills. It also means acting with compassion, kindness, and generosity of spirit. Whenever you catch your teens doing or saying something that demonstrates these capacities, let them know you approve. It helps them develop a positive self-image, essential for feeling at home with themselves.

2. Uncertainty is not a dirty word. When you know absolutely what you stand for then you should absolutely take a stand. A great message for adolescents who often let their addiction to peer approval prevent them from doing what’s right. But uncertainty is part of life. Kids brought up to believe that doubt isn’t an acceptable emotion are reluctant to try new things. How can they be at home with themselves if they’re unwilling to experience confusion? How can they be at home in the world if they’re not open to new things that they may not immediately understand?

If you truly want them to become self-confident adults who move through life with grace and courage then let them know that it’s okay not to know. Sometimes things become clear after we’ve had the courage to venture forth armed only with uncertainty and a willingness to accept what crosses our path, take it in and learn from it.

3. Model adaptability and an open attitude. If you tend to be anxious your attitude may be making it more difficult for your kids to feel at home anywhere. Ask yourself these questions:

  • Do I like surprises?
  • Do I enjoy: Meeting new people? Eating new foods? Listening to new music? Going to places and doing things I’ve never done before?
  • Do I take time to notice my surroundings?
  • Am I critical or suspicious of things/people that are different?
  • When I’m feeling “out of my element” do I usually: Shut down and withdraw? Become combative and defensive? Have a drink? Crank up the volume of my social self? Acknowledge my discomfort and try to relax and become more open?

If you always need to feel in control then challenge yourself to become a bit more flexible. The more open you are to change the more adaptable your kids will be.

4. Travel, as a family. Use a family vacation as an opportunity to step back a bit and let your kids show what they’ve already learned about being at home in the world. Notice their competencies and acknowledge them. And if you’re traveling to a new place, you might take the point of view that you are strangers in a strange land together. As “strangers”, your family has a chance to observe, learn and push the edges of your collective comfort zones. Share your feelings. Yes, being in a strange new place can be scary, but it can also reinforce how strong and capable each of you are.

5. Encourage independence. As the parent of a tween or teen now is the time for you to be stepping back from center stage where you’ve managed your child’s life for years. It’s your daughter’s or your son’s turn to take over as their own manager. They’ll need that experience when they actually leave home. They’ll also need to know that “home” (including their growing self-confidence, plus your love and everything you’ve taught them) is always right there in their heart, nurturing their spirit.

---------
Follow Annie Fox on Social Media and the Web