Teen Relationships | Annie Fox's Blog

“I get really jealous!”

October 18, 2011

We've all been there, and it sucks!

Got an email the other day from a girl burning with jealousy because she and her friend like the same guy. Well, actually her friend used to like him, but now she’s not actually sure if she still does because it seems the guy said… But the two of them still… And this makes the girl who wrote to me feel like… Never mind, read it yourself:

Hey Terra,

A girl in my class and I like the same guy. Actually I asked her yesterday if she does like him and she said she dosen’t really know. This is because she told him last week that she liked him. He said he didn’t really like anyone right now. Then about a day later she told him that she didn’t like him. Now she told me that she stopped liking him because he didn’t like her back. So that’s why she dosen’t really know if she truly does or not. I know I really do like him. Here is the problem, they sit next to each other in many classes and they always talk! I get really jealous.

What should I do?

Jealous Jillian

Hi JJ,

Whenever you feel yourself boiling or burning with jealousy, notice the feeling. Then STOP whatever you’re doing. (When you abruptly put on the brakes, that’s a wake-up call to your body and your brain that says: “Wait a sec. I don’t have to go down Jealousy Street. It brings me down and makes me feel worried and insecure and unhappy. I’m not going there.”

Then take some SLOW DEEP BREATHS. This will calm you down. (It really works!)
Now… you say to yourself ,”What am I trying to do?”
You’re probably trying to:

a) get the girl and the guy to stop talking to each other

b) get him to start paying attention to you

c) ??

Most of the stuff that bends us out of shape is OUT OF OUR CONTROL. Really! If this guy likes this girl as a friend or something else, then that’s his choice. Same with her and whoever she likes. It’s her choice. You don’t get to control the emotions and behavior of other people.

You want a bf. I get that. It’s cool to have someone you like, like you back. But you can’t make that happen. It’s either going to happen or not. At this time or not. With this guy or not. What you can do is control your behavior. If you don’t like feeling “really jealous” then notice when it comes up, put on the brakes, take some slow deep breaths and turn your attention away from these two.
OK?

In friendship,
Terra

Hey Terra,

I got it. Thanks for the advice! I’ll tell you how it goes when it happens.

Jillian

UPDATE: Just heard from Jealous Jillian: “OMG!!! It worked!!! I saw them talking today and I just turned around, took some deep breaths and told myself, ‘If he likes me, he likes me and if he doesn’t, I can’t change that.’ And I just got over it!!! Thank you so much! ”

Wow… that just made this teen advisor’s day!!

Filed under: Parenting,Teens — Tags: bf/gf zone, jealousy, re-centering breathing, Teen Relationships — Annie @ 8:59 am

Comments (1)

Teens: I’ve got a bf but he doesn’t act like one!

May 12, 2011

Didn't sign up for this!

It’s spring. Nature’s juices are flowing all around us… and inside us too. If you’re single and wish you weren’t and all that flowing juice isn’t enough to remind you how much you want a bf/gf, let’s add Prom to the mix!

If your top priority is getting a bf/gf , it may seem like your school is packed with lovey-dovey couples. The sight or the sound of them (talking endlessly about each other) may be enough to make you wanna scream, barf or cry.

If you have a bf/gf (w/the added status boost that comes with it) you probably don’t want to lose them. That’s why t(w)eens in relationships often try to ignore the bad stuff and convince themselves things are cool even when that little voice inside screams “I’m not happy!” Your Inner Voice knows you better than Mom. Ignoring its messages rarely helps a situation.

I just got this email from a girl who doesn’t seem to trust her Inner Voice, which is why she turned to me for a second opinion. What do you think of the opinion I gave her?

Hey Annie,

Me and this boy are together but he doesn’t call me and that makes me cry. I need help. What should I do?

Confused

______________________

Hi Confused,

It sounds like you and your bf have different ideas about what it means to be “together.” You’re unhappy because he’s not paying as much attention as you want. Have you talked to him about it? You might say something like, “I want you to call me every day.” (Or however often you think he should be calling.) Of course, telling him straight-up what you want is no guarantee that he’ll change his behavior.

The real question is: Does this guy want to be with you as much as you want to be with him? You deserve that level of interest from a boyfriend… but you can’t force someone to care about you. If he doesn’t want you, dry your tears, move on and find someone who treats you better. If you keep putting up with less than what you want, you’re sending him a message that says, “I don’t deserve any better than this from a boyfriend, so keep on ignoring me and I’ll keep putting up with it.”

If that’s not the message you want him to get, then tell him what you really mean.

I hope this helps.

In friendship,

Annie