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March 24, 2019
 I wish I had a boyfriend… I just got an email from a girl who’s never had a boyfriend and she really wants one. We’ve all been there, right? Everyone deserves to be loved. Being loved by someone you love is an amazing feeling that nurtures your spirit and opens your heart and mind to the beauty of life. If you aren’t in a relationship and you want to be, you may feel frustrated and/or impatient. But you know what they say? You can’t hurry love. You can, however, prepare yourself to be a good partner by learning about yourself, what you want, and what you need.
Teen: I’m a 16 year old girl who never had a boyfriend before but I really want one. The thing is, I’m kind of shy so I’m not that good at flirting!
Annie: It might be helpful for you to think about what kind of boyfriend you’re looking for. How about if you fill in the blank in this sentence?
I want a boyfriend who is __________________________________________.
Keep brainstorming until you run out of things that are true for you.
Teen: I want a boyfriend who is: loyal, friendly, kind, respects boundaries, a good listener, and willing to try new things.
Annie: That’s a very thoughtful list of qualities. Good work. So tell me, do you already know someone with any or some of those qualities?
Teen: There’s one boy I know who actually has most of those qualities, but I’m not sure I have a chance with him and I’m not sure if he’s single or looking for a relationship. He’s about a a year older than me. We’re in an after school club together, but I’ve known him since last year outside of it.
Annie: With all those positive qualities, he sounds like a really good guy. Keep building the friendship. Maybe the friendship will grow into a romance, but even if it doesn’t, you are learning more about what you want and need in a relationship. That’s important!
btw, you might also be thinking about what you have to give, because a relationship is a 2-way street. It’s not just about what you want from someone, it’s also about what you have to offer.
Bottom line, try not to get too hung up about the boyfriend thing. I understand this might be hard, especially if it seems like everyone in your school is coupled up. I’ve been stuck in the “I wish I had a boyfriend” trap and I can honestly say wishing and hoping for love is a major waste of time, energy, and emotion that can be better spent doing a million other things. Love happens when it happens, and not a moment before. You can’t plan for it or schedule it. But you can always love yourself more and focus on becoming the best version of you. That means exploring your interests and passions, developing new talents and skills, and putting your gifts to good use. And while you’re at it, think about your goals in life. Dream big. You have so much more to accomplish than becoming “someone’s girlfriend.”
Oh, yeah, you do!
June 6, 2018
 You don’t need anyone’s permission to be yourself. One of the most challenging parts of being a teen is how judgmental people at school and online can be. The other difficult piece is how hard you can be on yourself. 🙁 Maybe you’ve gotten into the habit of trashing your own looks – complexion, height, hair, weight, body. Or maybe you are like this girl who wishes she could stop worrying what other people think, “let loose” and just be herself.
Teen: My friend is super cool and I admire her so much. She will randomly High 5 people and make conversations with anyone. She dances and just doesn’t care what people think about her. I’m super conservative and feel like I can never let loose. I hate it because I see how much more attractive it is when girls are so care free. What’s wrong with me that I feel so uptight all the time? I don’t really care what people think when I think about it but I don’t know why I try to act I guess so “mature” all the time. It isn’t fun and I don’t know what to do. How do I stop caring what people think and just let loose?
Annie: Your friend does sound super cool! The kind of person who makes others feel more at ease just by being near her. I totally understand why you admire her and want to have some of the freedom she has.
Some of her “I don’t care what people think about me” attitude may come from how she’s been raised by her parents. They may be the kind of people who live their own lives with confidence and a sense of “this is who I am.” As a result, they may have always encouraged their daughter to “do her own thing” and “not worry so much about what others think.”
So how do you do it? Before I give you some advice, let me ask you a question: If you were brave enough to “let loose” and do ONE THING what’s the worst thing that might happen?
Teen: I guess I’d be afraid of being judged and looking immature. I like when adults can respect me and talk to me like I am one. I just do not know how to do it. It is quite frustrating because I am weird and crazy when I want to be, but in public I get all tense.
Annie: Your fear of “being judged” is not irrational, judging from how judgmental teens can be. (Sad but true). But if you feeling “boxed in” by this fear to the point where you can’t be your wonderful “weird and crazy” self… then you are giving others too much power over your life. You can take back power, you know.
As for liking the way you are respected by adults who treat you with respect and admire your maturity, that’s understandable, but it doesn’t have to be an Either/Or choice. A truly authentic, confident person knows how to “switch gears” and choose appropriate behavior depending on where she is. For example, I’m guessing that your friend knows how and when to pull back on her free spirited behavior. She acts differently in class than she does when she’s with a bunch of friends, right?
Judge the situation for what is appropriate. And when you feel like letting loose, don’t hold yourself back. As for people “judging you” (negatively)… Well, you don’t judge your friend negatively when she lets loose. Just the opposite! You think she’s cool because she doesn’t care what other people think. So maybe if you give yourself permission to be a little bit freer and more spontaneous people would admire you and think you’re cool too! You’ll probably admire yourself more, too.
Teen: Yes I see what you mean, I just don’t know how to give it a try. Do I just fake it till I make it?
Annie: Ha! Fake it til you make it is one approach. It can work, too! It also may help for you to start paying attention to your “fear of judgment” as it comes up. That’s what’s holding you back from really being yourself. Don’t let it. The next time you feel like letting loose notice the fear that comes up, notice the thoughts that come with it. Maybe you’re thinking, “I’d better not do that. People will laugh or roll their eyes.” Notice the thoughts. Then take some SLOW DEEP BREATHS. That will calm your heart and quiet your mind. Then go for it. (Assuming that the kind of “letting loose” you’re thinking about is not going to HURT anyone else. Mean jokes, etc. are never cool.
Teen: Yes. I get it. Thank you so much!
Annie: You’re welcome. So what are you going to do differently tomorrow?
Teen: When I am in public or with other friends and they are being goofy I am going to take a deep breath and join them.
Annie: AWESOME! Good luck and please let me know how it goes.
She’s on her way. If you want to try this, please let me know how it goes. (HINT: This can work to make teens and adults braver and more comfortable and confident being themselves.)
April 9, 2018
 If not, what will I do without you? A minor disagreement with a best friend can be worked out with a simple, honest conversation. But a major disagreement, for example, one of you wants more time/closeness than the other, is tougher to resolve. You still need to talk about it. Sitting on feelings (like resentment and jealousy) only intensifies them. Intense feelings may lead you to doing and saying things you’ll later regret. Not good for you or the friendship.
Here’s a recent email from a girl who’s having a hard time dealing with jealousy in a friendship.
Teen: Me and my best friend have been close for quite a long time, but I know the friendship is on the verge of unhealthy. I value the friendship more than she does, which means I put way more effort into it. I get jealous whenever she spends time with other people. I’ve tried to step back and give her space, but I miss her already. I know that we can’t be friends like we used to be, but I don’t know how to stop these feelings. When the friendship ends she’ll move on with her other friends and I’ll be heartbroken. What do I do? Thanks 🙂
Annie: This friendship sounds a bit unbalanced. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes one friend has a busier schedule than the other. That doesn’t mean she cares less than the one who has more free time. Sometimes both friends feel the need for “time together and time apart.” That gives both people a chance to explore other friendships and other interests. This can be a good thing even if it feels strange at first.
The real measure of friendship is not the amount of time. It’s how both people feel when they are together. It sounds like you feel unappreciated by your friend and jealous of how happy she is with other people. You said it yourself, “I value the friendship more than she does.” Yes, it seems that’s true. That’s a problem because it makes you feel powerless and unworthy. Like you don’t count.
Here’s something to think about: We can get so used to things in a friendship (who puts in more effort/who values the friendship more, etc.) that it all seems normal. There is nothing normal about feeling like you don’t count in a friendship! You count as much as much as she does. You deserve a friend who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her. That doesn’t mean you two have to be together all the time or that neither of you can have other friends. It simply means that when you are together, you ought to feel accepted, respected and appreciated. If you don’t then it’s time for you to stand up for yourself. Either you can talk to her about her behavior or you can take her behavior as a clear sign that she is less interested in this friendship than you are.
If that’s the case, I’d suggest you go shopping for a new best friend.
Teen: That makes so much sense, thank you. I just don’t know how I’m gonna cope without her and I’m not exactly the kind of person who makes friends easily. Any tips?
Annie: First make a list to help you understand what qualities are important to you in a friend. Fill in the blank to this sentence:
I want a friend who is ___________________________.
Keep filling in the blank until you run out of ideas. This list will help you understand what you’re looking for and how to recognize it when you find it. Also, please know that a friendship is a two-way street. Make sure that you are able to give to a friend the same things you expect a friend to give to you.
Good luck!
February 26, 2018
 You’re always on my mind Most of my teen email questions come from girls, but that doesn’t mean I don’t give advice to boys. I do. In fact, I welcome questions from guys. I also invite guys to read the questions girls send in. Likewise, girls should read the questions guys send me. In this way we can learn about each other and about how to be our best in the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Zone.
This question came from a high school sophomore who is trying to figure out what’s going on with the girl he likes. Maybe you’ve been there.
Hey Terra,
I met a girl that I think is the woman of my life!!! Since the first week of classes we talked every day about everything! Each day I loved her more. I know she liked me at first, but as time passed and we continued talking, I realized that she wasn’t acting the same. Her friend told me that she didn’t like me any more. We still text, every day at all hours, and we still talk about everything. She is very funny and cute in the messages, but in person, she acts like she doesn’t know me!
Do you think I should continue to fight for her?
–So Mixed Up
Dear So Mixed Up
I understand that you have very strong feelings for this girl, but when you talk about “fighting for her,” what are you really saying? It is not possible to force someone to “love” you if she doesn’t have those feelings. No amount of “fighting” or begging or pleading or manipulation will change her heart.
Clearly you and this girl have things in common. That is why, when you are texting, you can “talk about everything.” That’s what friends do. But when you two are together, face-to-face, something changes. When Person A feels a romantic attraction and Person B does not, it can be awkward for Person B. Maybe the change in her behavior is her way of creating distance because she does not have the same (romantic) interest in you as you have in her.
Here’s my suggestion: Enjoy the texting friendship. Do not put any pressure on the girl to spend time with you in-person. Let her decide what level of interaction she is comfortable with.
As for you, you can decide what you wish to do (if anything) about this relationship. Here are some options to consider:
1. Continue texting and enjoying the friendship for what it is. No pressure or expectation for it to be more than a friendship.
2. Stop texting her and withdraw from all contact and communications. You might choose this option is being “just friends” is too uncomfortable for you.
3. Talk to her about the change in her behavior. Have a private, respectful conversation about what you’ve noticed in the way she treats you when others are there.
4. Take a break from the drama and use the break to spend time with other people, guys and girls. This will help you develop more friendships and take some of your focus off of this girl.
When thinking about your next move, please try to be as helpful as possible. And, of course, to treat yourself and others with respect.
One more thing: If you feel you have to “fight” to win this girl’s heart, something is wrong.
Good luck!
In friendship,
Terra
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