Annie Fox's Blog...

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

It’s Not Easy Being Teen

March 30, 2015

Yes, I am!

Yes, I am!

I answer lots of email from tweens and teens. From time to time I share letters here to gently remind parents, teachers, coaches, and counselors what it’s like to be a teenager. With that in mind, you’ll be better at helping the kids in your life. Of course, there isn’t one “right” way to ease a young person through an emotionally confusing time. I offer my advice to them (and to you), as one of the possible ways to proceed. You might use it as a suggestion if you ever find yourself in a position to mentor a child (your own or someone else’s).

Teen: I’m a 14 year old ignorant child who has a problem.(Obviously) I’ve been feeling like my life isn’t going great and that I’m already wasting it. Before you say “Oh, you’re only 14. Don’t worry about that! You have so much time” I just want to say I’ve seen plenty of kids do something with their lives at my age. I’m honestly scared to dream big. I’ve been doing theater for nearly 5 years and I’ve sometimes done public performances and feel like I can take it somewhere. I’m just not supported for it. No matter what my ambitions are my mom ignores it, or no one seems to take me seriously. I wanna follow my dream but I feel like my life doesn’t call for it. It makes me depressed and even now, writing this, there’s tears in my eyes because I feel so doubtful. I get jealous of people my age doing great things and I feel I’m nothing compared to them. I don’t even know were to start to make anything happen. What should I do?

Annie: Of course, it helps, if you are supported in your dreams by parents and other family members. I won’t lie to you and say that it doesn’t matter. But just because you don’t get support, doesn’t mean you can’t achieve your dreams, whatever they are. You love theatre. That’s awesome. (Many 14 year olds haven’t a clue what they are interested in. So you are already ahead of those kids!) Ultimately, if you want something in life, you are the one who must figure out how to make it happen. So let me ask you this: What is in the way of your doing more theatre and getting better and better at it? What is your biggest obstacle? (HINT: The answer is not “Lack of support from my mom.”) Think about it and write back. We’ll talk some more.

Teen: Hey, thank you for taking the time to reply 🙂 Appreciate it. I guess what’s been stopping me is usually when I think about my future and what I can do, I can’t help but feel like nothing good is going to come out of the future and that I might not even be alive honestly. I feel limited, which I know I am, but when I see some girls at my school presue things such as modeling or acting or art-related, the first thing that comes to me is “My life doesn’t call for it.” Well not now, obviously, but I was thinking later in the future. I know it’s negative, but if I’m not very lucid and realistic with my life I won’t know what to do later if or when I experience disappointment. I’m a little scared for that. So it’s myself that’s been holding back.

Annie: Yes. It’s you, who’s been holding you back. 50 points for that right answer. Just to let you know, “the future” doesn’t exist. We create our path in life right here… in the present moment… and in the next moment… and the next. It’s all about the choices we make. The choice to have a positive vs a negative attitude is a key factor in success. Comparing yourself to others only works if it inspires you to do your best. Comparing yourself to others with an attitude of “They’re so much better than me, why should I even bother?” is unhelpful. So… quit sabotaging yourself and get on your own team! Yes, there will be set-backs and disappointments along the way. That’s to be expected, not feared. Think about it this way, for each disappointment, there will be something useful for you to take and move forward with. You can make the life you want. A positive attitude, hard work, and belief in yourself are the keys.

Teen: I know this is late but thank you so much 🙂

Annie: Sounds like you found my advice helpful. I’m glad! Be well, my friend.


 

Sometimes the best support we can give teens is to listen as they share their self-doubts, let them know we believe in them, and assure them they have what it takes to succeed.

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: , , , , , , — Annie @ 7:54 pm
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Girls’ Friendship Issues Haven’t Changed

March 17, 2015

Morning walks with The Pupster reveal more and more free stuff in the neighborhood. Curbside boxes filled with coffee mugs (“Kalua!”), anemic Christmas cacti, Danielle Steele novels, rusty tools. (Be still, my heart!) Horray for spring cleaning. I should race down to my own garage and thin out the flotsam and junksam, but I’d rather be blogging.

My best friend doesn't love me anymore!

My best friend doesn’t love me anymore!

Though yesterday, I did a bit of feng shui. In my SENT BOX, I  found a dust-covered Hey Terra letter from 2002. (Thank god, I answered it promptly, thirteen years ago.) I have no idea why I hung on to this one. I’ll take it as a sign it should be posted, if for no other reason than to give me permission to delete it and to show that when it comes to girls’ friendship issues, some things don’t change.

Hey Terra,

My best friend of five years has just decided to end our friendship.
She claims that I constantly destroy her self-esteem. I always try to support her, and tell her how wonderful she is. I am usually there to pick up the pieces after she is hurt by others. So I don’t understand why she’d accuse me of things I have never done. She also claims that we don’t get along anymore. This is the first spat we’ve had in five years. She never allowed the friendship to push through the disillusionment/spat to actually cultivate a more meaningful relationship. She just ended it.

She seems to lean towards friendships that really have no depth.
She always has to be the leader of the group. Another thing, she
never has any passion for anything in her life (except her own
wants).  She cannot see past herself.  She tends to separate
herself from people who actually have passion in their life.
She never listens either. I just do not understand why she would be
like this, and why she refuses to listen to anyone. Doesn’t a close,
five-year relationship mean anything to her? She wasn’t even
willing to try to work at it!

Thanks,

Curious

Dear Curious,

From what you describe it sounds like you and your friend expect very
different things from a friendship. You seem to be looking for a
“meaningful” relationship that goes beyond the surface. You think of
yourself as someone who has passion for things and you clearly
don’t admire the fact that she “never has any passion for anything…
except her own wants.” You describe your friend as a person who needs
to be in control and tends to be self-centered and “never listens to
anyone.” From your words, she doesn’t sound like much fun to be around.

Yet, in spite of all these differences, which have clearly been obvious to you for a while, you still call this a “close” relationship. That makes me “Curious” too! Is
this a real friendship or a 5-year habit that you might be interested in breaking?

Think about it.

In friendship,
Terra

Meanwhile, back in 2015…. How might we do a better job teaching our girls there are standards in friendships and that it’s smart to evaluate relationships with an eye toward what you want and need? If it turns out that your daughter is not happy in a friendship, encourage her to discuss it (privately and respectfully) with her friend. If that doesn’t result in positive changes, let’s teach our girls to find the EXIT so they can get more of what they deserve from someone else. Your thoughts?

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Why do I have to be just like you?

March 6, 2015

When girls email me about the mean things their so-called friends say and do, it’s often about rocking the boat. You know, Friend A is expressing her individuality and Friend B is, well, uncomfortable. After a bit she can’t stand it and jumps all over Friend A to CUT IT OUT!

Here’s an excerpt from The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship that illustrates the problem and the solution for any girl who is tired of playing by someone else’s rules.

Q: “When my friend does weird things I don’t say anything. But when I do something (like a funny dance) she yells at me. I want to tell her I don’t like that, but I don’t want to be mean, like her.”

21AshamedFriendFIN

Illustration © Erica De Chavez, 2014 from The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship, written by Annie Fox

A: I think it’s awesome that you accept your friend for who she is and do not put her down when she does any of her “weird” things. You deserve the same respect from her. She shouldn’t yell at you when you dance, especially since you’re not trying to hurt or embarrass her. You’re just feeling free and joyful, and that’s good.

I don’t know for certain, but maybe your friend gets upset because she’s worried that other girls will tease you about your dancing. Or maybe she’s scared that someone will tease her for being your friend! When we are scared or worried, we aren’t always as kind as we should be. But that’s never an excuse for being rude.

When you feel like dancing, go ahead and dance. If your friend has a problem with that, then talk to her about it. Maybe you can help her lighten up. But whatever you do, please, do not stop being yourself. It’s absolutely the best thing about you.

_________

Check out other 49 Questions in The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship: 50 Ways to Fix a Friendship Without the DRAMA.

 

50 Ways to Fix a Friendship without the DRAMA

50 Ways to Fix a Friendship without the DRAMA

 

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