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June 9, 2014
 Can someone give me a hand? I’ve run out! Today we’re talking about working moms, which, of course, includes all moms whether we’re on a payroll or not. Wiping snotty noses is work. So is helping with homework, especially if it’s hard. Each day we show up and put our hearts into everything we do for our families. Yay, us! Now can we please have Mother’s Day at least once a month? Cause, dammit, I deserve it, and you do too!
So, we are all working, but let’s imagine, just for the next few paragraphs, that “working mom” means working outside the home. Maybe with a commute and a special wardrobe. Of course, each family is unique, but there is one challenge shared by all working moms– the need for more time. No, let me rephrase that. It’s not lack of time. (Though 20 more minutes to soak in the tub with the door locked would be nice.) According to Dr. Portia Jackson, bona fide rocket scientist (for real), founder of WorkingMotherhood.com, and this week’s guest on Family Confidential, “Even if we had 30 hours in a day we’d still find things to fill it up with. So it’s not just lack of time, it’s using your time wisely.”
Amen, sister! Managing time wisely rewards us with bonus time to breathe, and smile, and sort Legos by color… without rushing. Wouldn’t it be nice not to rush around? Portia agrees and promises this “not rushing” state is actually attainable… in your lifetime! Here’s her advice: Quit trying to do it all. You can’t. No one can. Successful working moms who can relax and be at home when they are home, know how to delegate.
Intrigued? Then go ahead and delegate whatever you were going to do next, pour a cup, put your feet up, and listen in on my conversation with Portia Jackson. You so need this.
June 3, 2014
 You can’t tell me “I can’t have it!!!!” Kids only learn to whine when frustrated if whining gets them what they want. They do it because it works. It doesn’t even have to work all the time. It just has to work once in a while for them to try it all the time. When their whining consistently does not work (because we have taught them it doesn’t) then they don’t bother… ever. That doesn’t mean kids who don’t whine don’t get frustrated. Of course they do! They just use their frustration as a signal to calm down and think about solutions.
So have a look in the mirror. If you’ve got a kid who excels in whining, congratulations, you have trained him or her brilliantly. It doesn’t matter that you can’t stand the behavior or that it makes you feel like screaming “Shut up! You’re driving me crazy!” This evidence of Mom or Dad’s frayed innards is exactly what the child’s going for. When they know we’re on edge, they may secretly rejoice because they understand they’re closer to what they want (the candy, the toy, the extra 30 minutes to watch the end of this show, the permission to do whatever it is for which you don’t feel good about giving your permission, etc. etc.)
If parents truly want kids to learn more mature, respectful, and constructive responses to life’s frustrations, do not reward the behavior you hate. When you calmly refuse to engage in the infuriating back and forth, your kid experiences a teachable moment. In this case the lesson is: “This whiney BS does not work. I’m not going to waste my time any more.”
So, if you want to transform a kid who whines into a problem solver, start with this:
PARENT: “Sweetie pie, I owe you an apology.”
KID: “Huh?”
PARENT: “I am really really sorry. It’s my job to teach you how to deal with frustration so you can solve problems and do more things for yourself. But I haven’t been doing my job lately. Nope. Not when it comes to this. I’m sorry about that and I’m going to do much better starting now.”
KID: “What do you mean?”
PARENT: “I heard you whining. What are you frustrated about?”
KID: “I can’t button these buttons!”
PARENT: “How can I help you?”
KID: “You do it!”
PARENT: “Nope. Not going to do it for you, but I will help you learn to do it yourself.”
KID: “NOOOOO! I just want you to do it!”
Your old impulse to rush in (shut down the whining and button the damn buttons) is strong. But now that you’ve seen the light, your resolve to do your parenting job is even stronger.
Put on your oxygen mask… inhale slowly and evenly… and teach the child to button a button. This could take a while. But that’s OK you will make the time you need. You’re a teacher. You’re in the zone. Use only positive words as you praise all efforts no matter how tiny. Cheer on all progress. Take breaks when little fingers get tired. Have a snack then get back to the task at hand. Use humor. And reward success with high fives and the happy dance.
Make this a positive experience and guaranteed your child will not whine about buttons again. Instead, he’ll be busting with pride that he’s learned a new skill on the road to independence.
Wow, that was fun. What’s next?
Check out my 3min answer to the ‘Whiny Child” question on Vidoyen.
May 30, 2014
 How come all conversations aren’t this full of life? I first heard about Glennon Melton (@Momastery) on Twitter. One link led to another, as so many do, and I found myself watching, no devouring her very funny, poignant, smart TedX talk.
I immediately reached out for a review copy of her book Carry On, Warrior: The power of embracing your messy, beautiful life because I love freebies and I actually wanted to get inside this woman’s head some more. I read the book in like two days. Laughed (a lot), thought (a lot), and cried (a bit). I was hooked on this flamboyant, authentic writer who’s got something special going on. I can say that with authenticity because I read a lot of parenting books. (Shameless plug alert! Why yes, I have written one myself. Thank you so much for asking.) But how can anyone resist a book with delicious sentences and paragraphs like these?
The other night at dinner, Craig and I demanded that the kids clean their plates even though dinner was, admittedly, gross. One nanosecond before this suggestion was made, we were laughing, talking about Daddy’s day at work, planning our upcoming weekend, and generally feeling like a lovely, well-adjusted family. Then–ambushed by ourselves again–there was crying, screaming, heads banging on tables. Immediate anarchy. Instant chaos.
My first instinct is to remember that yes, this chaos is proof that I have ruined my life and the lives of everyone in my home and that we are a disaster of a family and that no mother, in the entire history of mothers, has ever been forced to endure the drama, decibels, and general suffering of this moment. My instinct is to tear my clothes and throw myself on the floor and bawl and cry out worthless declarations like, “I can’t TAKE this anymore!” My first instinct is to allow my anxiety and angst to pour out like gasoline on a raging fire and indulge in a full-on mommy meltdown.
This, Craig suggests, is not helpful.
I, for one, could not resist. Nope. Especially not after reading that last sentence. And apparently a bunch of other sisters of another mother couldn’t either as Carry on, Warrior is now a New York Times bestseller. (Way to go, Glennon!)
So I just had to interview Glennon for my Family Confidential podcast. I did and, oh Momma, did we have a blast. You can listen in here.
May 27, 2014
 You started it! Empathy training begins at home. So does compassion training, truth-telling, good listening skills, and bullying prevention. And you thought helping with 7th grade math was going to be the hard part!
We want our kids to learn to be good people and most of us know that doesn’t happen solely by osmosis. So we teach them and we do such a good job that by the time they are five, they say “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry” on command. Underneath the programmed responses is the beginning of kids’ awareness of the right way right to treat other people vs. the wrong way. But because they are young humans they mess up. Often. They lash out and hurt the feelings and body parts of other children. And we hear about it. Yet no matter how many after-the-fact conversations that begin with “How would you feel if he did that to you?” they will continue to go out of their way to hurt other kids. So what’s up with that? Are your kids “bad”? No. Even though they do bad things, they aren’t bad kids. And don’t you dare think they are or, god forbid, tell them that!
Since they’re not bad, why do they keep doing this hurtful stuff? Simply because they haven’t yet learned to manage their destructive emotions (anger, jealousy, resentment, frustration and poor-me-ism, to name a few peace-busters guaranteed to bring out the worst in our species.) Consequently, kids of all ages maim first first and ask forgiveness afterwards. Another reason they do stuff they know isn’t OK is because they’ve constructed a set of handy justifications that makes it OK.
Because most kids get their peer relationship training with their siblings, cousins, and close family friends, let’s imagine a typical sister-brother conflict in your home. Suppose your 7 year old daughter purposely wrecks the Lego castle your 5 year old son’s been building all afternoon. He’s crying and screaming and you yell at her, “Why did you do that?!” Turn down the volume for a sec and listen to her justifications:
1. I didn’t do anything.
2. I thought he wanted my help.
3. I thought he was finished.
4. It was already broken.
5. He always hogs the ____.
6. He always blames me for everything.
7. He’s annoying.
8. His stuff was in my way.
9. He was doing it wrong.
10. You always take his side.
What can you say to any of this? Your own destructive emotions have launched surface to air missiles from your eyeballs and your tone of voice is ugly and scary. But who can blame you? This is already the third … no fourth… fight between these two and it’s only Saturday afternoon of this loong “Happy Holiday Weekend.” So if you’re not in your “Calm Mommy” place hey, we get it. But if you were sane and centered enough to actually hear and acknowledge every one of your daughter’s justifications (which doesn’t mean you’ve got to agree with any of them) she could rattle them off and pile them neatly to one side and maybe, just maybe, she’d then feel safe enough to lift the lid on her anger, tentatively reveal the soft underbelly of her heart, and tell you the real reason she’s determined to destroy her brother’s happiness.
Sniff… whimper… “I think you love him more than me.”
What do you say now, Mom?
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