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March 5, 2014
 Why don’t they believe me? It ain’t easy being teen when the social stuff takes up so much time and emotional and mental real estate. A teen’s ability to resolve conflicts in multi-tiered relationships doesn’t match the challenges. We are communicating with more people than ever, but all our texting, chatting and tweeting only increases the chances of miscommunication.
Another problem, peer conflicts rarely involve only two people. Maybe it started with Isaac and Charlotte, but within minutes all their friends become combatants. Increase the number of fighters on any battlefield, real or virtual, and you increase the intensity of the fight and the number of casualties. For example:
Hey Terra, I am new this year and have worked hard to make friends. Now someone has been telling my close friends that I talk behind their back, which I never did! And they actually believe it! Now everyone hates me, even people I don’t know. They call me a FAT HIPPO! They even made a picture of me with Ho, Liar and Skank written on it. No one wants to be my friend and the rumors keep building up. It’s like I’m being tortured for something I didn’t do! Honestly, I would rather die than be here! I’m innocent and no one believes me. –Feeling depressed!
Hi, Feeling depressed, I’m sorry this awful stuff is happening to you. It’s so unfair when people refuse to listen to the truth and continue spreading lies. It’s hard enough moving to a new place and it doesn’t help having all this drama to deal with. Do you have a school counselor? If you haven’t yet talked to a caring, trusted adult, you should. Don’t feel powerless because you are not! –Terra
Hey Terra, I did talk to my counselor and he told me to ignore them and keep hanging in there. He called the girls in to “sit and talk” to me and IT GOT WORSE! They called me a baby and worse things! I hate it soo much and they still don’t believe me! I wish everything would just go away! Your reply has actually made me feel better cuz I feel like someone finally cares! 🙂 thank you! btw, my name is Kate.–Kate
Dear Kate: Glad you talked to the counselor. That took courage. He thought if you “ignored” the girls their mean behavior wouldn’t have the power to upset you as much. But it’s not working. Go back and tell him “It got worse!” He needs to make it clear to these girls that what they are doing is not acceptable and if it doesn’t stop then their parents will be called in. If this harassment continues, talk to your parents so they can let the principal know what’s going on.–Terra
Hey Terra,Umm, do you know how I can prove to the girls that I’m innocent? If you don’t then that’s fine. I will talk to my parents and counselor. – Kate
Dear Kate, I’m glad you’re going to talk with your parents and to the counselor again. Sorry, I don’t know how you can prove your innocence. If your word isn’t good enough, nothing will be. Stop trying to convince them of anything. –Terra
Hey Terra! Guess what?! Yesterday everyone apologized to me! They really felt bad for believing those lies! I said it’s OK, but inside I know I need to watch who I trust and what I say around people! Everyone’s hanging out with me more. They said it’s cuz they think I’m a strong person! They said they’re proud of me 🙂 –Kate
Dear Kate, I’m proud of you, too. Sometimes, when we say: “It’s OK” what we mean is “I am letting go of the bad feelings I’ve been holding.” That’s called forgiveness and it’s wise. It’s also wise to carefully choose who to trust. Especially after trust has been broken. Take what you learned and move forward with confidence! –Terra
November 24, 2012
I just got an(other) email from a teen being tormented by rumors. This stuff makes me angry and frustrated and sad. I have a pretty clear sense of how it makes the kids who’ve been targeted feel…. in a word, powerless! And while it’s true no one has the power to un-do a rumor that’s out there, if you or someone you know is suffering from the damage of a rumor, please read on. You are not powerless.
 Why are they spreading these lies? Hey Terra,
There are people spreading rumours at my school saying I had sex with my boyfriend behind the building. I don’t know how it started, and it’s not true! This is horrible and it’s hurting me and my boyfriend a lot! I am getting many harsh words and looks from people I don’t even know 🙁 What am I supposed to do ? Help me please!!!!!!
Lost and Hurting
Dear Lost and Hurting,
I’m really sorry people are being cruel to you and to your boyfriend. People who spread hurtful lies lack self-confidence and compassion. What can you do about what they’re saying? Well, unfortunately, you can’t un-do the rumor. It’s out there. You also can’t un-do any assumptions people have made about you and your boyfriend. What you CAN do is:
- Hold on to your self-respect.
- Hold your head high because you know that you’ve done nothing to be ashamed of.
- Try not to let them upset you with their “harsh words and looks.” I know that’s not always easy, but you impress me as a girl who is strong and self-confident, so work on staying in control of your emotions.
- Do not talk to anyone about the rumors or about the people who are spreading them. That would only increase the “warfare.” It’s not helpful. Don’t go there.
- If someone says something to you, look them in the eye and simply and calmly say, “That’s not true.” No yelling. No trying to convince anyone of anything. Just state the fact: “That’s not true.” Then end your part of the conversation.
Hopefully this “social garbage” (which is exactly what rumors are) will fade away soon. Your real friends will stick with you. If this garbage doesn’t fade away and you continue to be harassed, please talk with the school counselor and/or your parents.
I hope this helps.
Oh, and read this blog of mine about teen rumors.
In friendship,
Terra
She wrote right back:
Thank you so much Terra!!!! I’m really grateful! 🙂
Then so did I:
I’m glad to know that I’ve helped in some way. Enjoy the rest of your holiday weekend. And on Sunday night, re-read my email, especially the things you CAN do, so if the garbage rumors continue on Monday, you’ll know how to take care of yourself.
In friendship,
Terra
Ninety-nine percent of the time I get email about rumors, it’s from the person being victimized. But that’s just one side of the story, isn’t it? We all know that rumors go nowhere without many willing mouths (and fingers) to spread them. If you’ve spread a hurtful rumor, (whether you started it or not) and you now regret the pain you caused, that’s a good place to start thinking about rumors and all of this stuff. You can’t un-do what you did, but you’re not powerless. You can still make things better. Got some ideas how?
December 28, 2009
When someone like a bf/gf or a bff trusts you enough to tell you personal, private information it probably makes you feel pretty special. And it should! Because this person means a lot to you and you want those feelings of trust to continue growing, you promise not to tell a soul. And you totally mean it. But then you find yourself talking to someone else and without meaning to hurt anybody, you tell the thing you promised you wouldn’t! As soon as the words are out of your mouth you get that “uh, oh” feeling. And things usually go downhill from there.
Has anything like this ever happened to you? It’s not uncommon.
Hey Terra,
My boyfriend broke up with me because he said I’ve changed. I have lost his trust, because I was telling people things he told me. For example he told me that he was going to beat up this guy and then I told my friends. The topic of that particular person came up in the conversation and I thought my bf wouldn’t mind me telling my friends because they are like best friends with him.
I regret that I told them anything. I want to gain his trust back but I don’t know how to really “show” it. When I chat with him online he seems like he doesn’t want to talk to me and that really annoys me. Today I was talking to him and he said that nobody could ever gain his trust back and that people only get one chance. I screwed up my chance. I really want his trust back again. I told him that but he said I should have thought before I acted. I’m not sure what to do please help !
Sorry Serena
Hi Serena,
We all make mistakes. (Welcome to the club!) But not everyone knows how to use a mistake to learn something about yourself and other people… and move forward with your new wisdom. I admire your self-awareness and I respect the fact that you’re not making excuses for what you did. You made a mistake, you’re sorry and it’s over. You need to forgive yourself.
If you can, try to remember what was going on in your head at the moment you decided to tell your friends what your ex told you. Whatever pressures or temptations you were feeling, it’s important to be honest with yourself about it. That’s really the only way you can avoid doing the same thing again. As for your ex not trusting you 100% any more, well, I’m sure you can understand that he feels betrayed. It’s a human response to pull back and protect oneself from being hurt again.
You’d probably like things between you to be back the way they were… instantly. But that’s not going to happen right away. It takes time to build trust in a relationship, and that can all vanish in an instant (as you’ve experienced). The long road back from betrayal to trust is just that… A long road. You can’t apologize or talk your way back into someone’s trust. Your actions, over time, will either prove to him that you are trustworthy or not.
My advice (since you asked) is that you forgive yourself for your mistake and continue to be the best, most trustworthy friend you can be. That’s all you can do. The rest is out of your hands. No sense stressing about it. Just promise yourself that in the future you will try to be more aware of what you promise and what you deliver through your actions.
I hope this helps.
In friendship,
Terra
December 7, 2009
 Why are they saying these things about me?! You don’t need me to tell you that kids can be really nasty to each other. I could give you some theories about why some tweens and teens seem to get twisted pleasure out of seeing other kids suffer, but you don’t care about theories. I’m guessing you’d much rather have me tell you what you can do if you find yourself the target of rumors or some other variety of social garbage. Each situation is different, of course, but what’s the same for all of these unfair situations is that you can’t change anyone else’s behavior. You just can’t shut them up or shut them down. The only thing you can do is figure out a way to change your response to what’s going on.
Here’s an email I just got from a girl who’s so fed up with rumors that she’s ready to… well… Why not just read it yourself?
Hey Terra,
There is this one mean girl who keeps starting rumors about me. I’m only in 6th grade but she keeps telling me I’m a slut and a bitch. No one believes her and everyone is starting to be mean to her. But today she started another rumor and now I think I’m going to kill myself. I thought I could ask you for advice before I kill myself to see if you could change my mind. You stopped me from killing myself before so I trust you. Thank you.
Fed UP!
___________________
Hi Fed UP!
I’m really glad you wrote to me and I’m honored that you trust me. Trust me then when I tell you that killing yourself is not a solution to any problem. Nope. Not even a kinda sorta maybe solution. It just isn’t, so forget about it.
The way you describe it, it sounds like this girl who’s giving you such a hard time is a very unhappy kid. How do I know that? Because happy healthy kids who feel loved and accepted do NOT start nasty rumors! Happy kids who have high self-esteem do not think it’s funny or cool to trash other people.
OK. So this girl is not a happy camper and she’s mixed up in her thinking (She thinks it’s OK to do what she’s doing.) Let’s assume she hasn’t been taught the right way to treat people. But let’s forget about her for a moment. I care about YOU. I want you to be around to grow up and make more friends and fall in love and get really excited about stuff you’re learning. I want you to dream big dreams and set goals and get where you want to be through your own hard work. I want you to feel so proud of yourself and so self-confident that nothing can hold you back and no one can bring you down.
You’ve got all of that inside of you (and much more)… So you see, killing yourself makes no sense. You’ve got way too much going for you to throw it away and for what? Because some girl with low self-esteem is calling you names??
Talk to your parents ASAP. Tell them what’s going on at school. Talk to the school counselor. Talk to a cool teacher. Talk to the principal. Don’t let little Miss Unhappy Camper get a free pass on spreading nasty rumors. Have your parents talk to her parents. Keep making noise until someone gives this girl the message that what she’s doing is NOT OK. If you stay silent, she’ll keep doing it to you and to others.
Here are some other things you can do to improve this situation: Calm down. Hang with people you know you can trust to support you. Keep dreaming the big dreams.
In friendship,
Terra
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