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July 11, 2012
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
This is Part 2 of my 4-part Bing Summer of Doing blog series. If you just got here and missed Part 1, let me explain. I’m the Bing Summer of Doing ‘expert‘ of the week. Part of this awesome responsibility involves blogging about the word of the day. Today’s word is unplugging. The irony of writing about unplugging while plugged in doesn’t escape me, but if I wrote on the back of this envelope, you wouldn’t see it, so…
 Bing Summer of Doing – Pull the plug and.. DO Winnie-the-Pooh said, “Sometimes I sit and think. And sometimes I just sit.” He also called himself a bear of “little brain” but I disagree. Just “sitting” is the best thing you can do at certain times. And if you’re just sitting in a park, on the beach, on a fallen tree in a forest… you’re probably in a good place, mentally and emotionally.
I’ve noticed that it’s summer. Funny how a whole season can sneak up on you like that. Actually, it’s more scary than funny. Sometimes, my time on the computer seems endless and I feel like I live in a casino – no windows or evidence the earth is turning. But I see that it’s beautiful outside (yes I do have a window) so I’ve decided to unplug. Not forever, just for some significant part of each day – as a way to grab back some balance in my life.
What am I unplugging from? How about these three things for starters? Negativity. Routine. Technology.
Unplugging from destructive emotions: Instead of marinating your soul in anger, frustration, jealousy when the mood strikes, how about simply recognizing the feeling? And then… take a few slow deep breaths. (INHALE s-l-o-w-l-y and evenly through your nose. Relax your jaw and open your mouth.) Then EXHALE s-l-o-w-l-y and evenly through your mouth. Repeat. …. again. Again. Now smile (a half smile will do). Good. You’ve just unplugged from an upset and hopefully you’ve done it before causing any damage. Nice going.
Unplugging from routine: Routines offer security. They can also be fun and creativity drains. Fight back by changing something you’ve been doing automatically every day. Try a miniscule shake-up like brushing your teeth with the opposite hand. Dang, unplugging from your routine could be as simple as sitting in a different place at the kitchen table. Or skipping the table altogether and taking your salad or sandwich out on the front steps. There are so many ways to dance through your day, why not make up some new moves? When you do, you’ll find your usual dance partners have to come up with some new moves of their own.
Unplugging from technology: Life isn’t virtual. It’s real. Simple truth. So easy to forget. Years ago, a storm blew out our power for 5 days. No school. No computers. No work. Me and David and the kids read aloud from a big book of obscure folktales. We paused at crucial plot points and took turns guessing what could happen next. We acted out alternative endings. We played Crazy Eights by candlelight. We roasted marshmallows. We all shared memories from childhood. And by the second or third day, we were eating outrageous ice cream sundaes for breakfast (hey, we couldn’t let all the Chunky Monkey melt, could we?). I was more than a little disappointed when the lights came back on and we all plugged in again. But you don’t need a power outage to take a healthy break from social media and the rest of it. I’m not saying you should become incommunicado for a week and freak out your friends and family. I’m just saying that by spending most of your waking hours with your head in a screen, you miss a lot of the juice of life. That’s just a waste, because the real stuff — the shared joys and disappointments between friends and family — need to be experienced face to face, not just via text and FB posts.
So I’m unplugging today. When I mentioned this to David, he said, “So you’re not going to do anything?” Wrong! I’m going to do plenty of stuff… not sure what yet, but I know, for sure that I’m not going to check my email 75 times. Tweet. or Surf. Just for today. And see what unfolds when I push back the digital infringement and make some room for other things. I’ll report back later. In the meantime, how about if you slowly take your hands off the keyboard, step back from your computer and go outside and play with a friend?
July 9, 2012
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
I’ve been tapped as the Bing Summer of Doing expert for the week. Part of the gig involves writing a blog using the word of the day. Interesting challenge! I’ll be posting today, then again on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. Hope to see you often. Now it’s Monday and for no particular reason the word is GIVING. But who needs a reason a give? Not me, and so, I give this to you:
 Bing Summer of Doing – Time to give a little For the first couple of years of life we can’t tell people what we want. That’s why the helpful adults who love us and want to keep us happy, pepper us with questions. These often begin with: “Do you want _______?” Since we’re not yet ready for conversation, the grown-ups fill in the blank:
Do you want to play with this?
Do you want a story?
Do you want to go to the park?
Do you want mint chip or jamoca almond fudge?
Our every wish becomes our parents’ command. That’s why we quickly we learn to say “I want _______.” Being a little kid is such sweet gig!
Then comes the day when parents say ‘NO’ to one of our many requests and our 3-year old brain explodes: “What did you say?! What do you mean it’s too close to dinner? What do you mean it costs too much and you won’t buy it for me? This is outrageous!!” We don’t have all those words, so we reiterate the obvious for stupid Mommy/Daddy: “BUT I WANT IT!!!!!”
The tantrums don’t always work, but they work sometimes and for little humans that’s just enough reinforcement to keep hope and self-centeredness alive.
At around age three, as we become more aware of the power dynamics within our family, we start testing boundaries. That’s the time a parent’s “Do you want ______?” may take on a sinister ring:
Do you want me to take that away from you?
Do you want a time out?
Do you want me to tell Daddy?
Do you want me to give you something to cry about?
This last rhetorical question was surprisingly popular amongst certain parents during the second half of the last century. Hopefully it’s gone the way of the landline, but I’ve got no empirical data either way.
Obviously all those years of “Do you want _______?” congeal in the spongy language and reward centers of our brain where we realize how important our happiness is to Mom and Dad. Because we are all about making it easy for them to please us, we learn to be very specific with our demands about what we want and why we ought to get it… NOW:
“I want __________. (pause) I am too old enough!”
“I want __________. (pause) ‘Cause I’m the only one who doesn’t have one!”
“I want a new __________. (pause) ‘Cause my old one sucks!”
“I want you to give me what I want and I want you to leave me alone.” (Double demand… impressive language development!)
And so, for those of us who grew up in comfortable circumstances (yes, I’m talking about you on the laptop) it stands to reason we may need an attitude transplant to get from “I want to get _____.” to: “I want to give ______.” But we can do it! We have the technology to connect with organizations that are doing awesome work. We have the credit cards (which makes spending less painful). Click. Click.
Why wait until December when we’re hit up for donations from .orgs we’ve never heard of and couldn’t care less about? Like E.A.R. (Earwax Anxiety Relief). Sure hope this isn’t a real one. But I guess it’s too late to check now.
Summer is an excellent time to look around and see where you could spread a little sunshine and some green. Oxfam America, International Rescue Committee, Good Weave, Doctors Without Borders, UNICEF and Kiva are some of my personal favorites. And there are at least a million other absolutely inspirational organizations that are effectively working on solutions to local, national and international challenges. Giving to any of them makes YOU (and any entitled kid you want to inspire) part of the solution. Find out who’s doing what and support their efforts. Start your search here.
Warning: Giving can become habit-forming, but in a healthy way. And think about it, do you really need more stuff or might you be in the market for some good karma points?
PS When I finished writing this on Friday, I saw a web ad for the July 15th AIDS WALK San Francisco. “Great timing! ” I thought. Within 30 minutes I had signed up to be captain of Team BeTheChange and sent out an email asking friends/family to support the fundraising efforts. Our goal is $500. As of this moment, we’ve got $375 in pledges!
UPDATE: Current funds raised- $425! Thank you to those who’ve pitched in. If you haven’t yet, you can support Team BeTheChange until Sunday July 15th.
FINAL UPDATE: Team BeTheChange raised $625 for AIDS Walk SF. Thanks to everyone who supported the cause!
June 27, 2012
The following is an excerpt from the keynote speech I delivered yesterday at the 18th Annual Character Education Conference in St. Louis.
 Showing we care is a good thing We are human and by definition that means we are vulnerable. Unlike any other creatures, we are aware of our own mortality and so we experience worry and grief. We also know the joys of working together and supporting each other. We celebrate. We nurture. We protect. Because we can be so loving, we sometimes suffer rejection and loss. We trust. We open up and give of ourselves, and sometimes we feel betrayed.
In Teen World, aggressive anger is OK, but real vulnerability, are you kidding me? Teens get clear messages from peers to stay away from vulnerable emotions… especially in public. If you are hurt, don’t show it. If you are disappointed, don’t show it. If you love someone, don’t show it. Slip up and let some vulnerability bleed through the veneer and you are a baby. A wuss. A wimp. You are a pathetic loser.
Wrong! I am a human being.
Teaching kids to be good people means helping them understand and accept the broad spectrum of human emotions. Being afraid is not a cause for shame. Tears are no less acceptable than laughter. It’s all part of the package. If my tears are an honest expression of sadness, grief, joy, why should I hide them from you. Or be embarrassed in front of you?
We are mistaken when we buy into the notion that vulnerability is weakness. Our strength comes from our vulnerability. This may seem counter-intuitive since the word vulnerable derives from the Latin vulnere (meaning “to wound”) A wounded individual is hardly at her strongest, but I see emotions in a different light. Our feelings are our most authentic responses to life. If I am hurt, I cry. If someone is with me, my tears are likely to remind him of sadness he has felt. By responding to me, he acknowledges his own humanity. But if he mocks my tears or tries to push them aside, that indicates he is afraid to respond with compassion. Afraid to show how he has been touched. That he holds himself back from experiencing his full humanity makes me want to reach out and teach, because he is in desperate need of an education.
Unless we can embrace the vulnerable emotions underneath the Anger Lid, it is impossible for us to reach our full human potential. When we feel hurt and choose instead to plaster over our vulnerability with indifference, cool detachment or social aggression, we build walls between us. But if, instead, we are willing to honor our vulnerability, then we can strengthen our connections to other people. Isn’t that exactly what we’re trying to teach our students by creating positive school climates? When we recognize on a deep level that we all experience the same emotions, how can we not empathize with each other? How can we help but reach out in friendship to a person who needs a friend?
Schools that encourage kids to be humane graduate people of good character who are also, good judges of character. When it comes to how we treat each other, the graduates of those schools, have learned to set the bar very high for themselves and for their peers.
June 10, 2012
Sad news. Our sweet Josie dog died yesterday. She was just 3. We still can’t really believe it, but they say facts never lie. In this case, I wish they would.
Josie was fine yesterday morning. After breakfast we went on a hike and as was her custom, she went off for a bit on her own on the trail, then came back to us when we called. She was fine. Happy. We finished the hike and walked back home. Within moments of our being back in the house, she began having seizures. We had no idea what was going on. It had never happened before. We called our vet and were directed to the emergency animal hospital in San Rafael. We carried her into the car. David drove and I held her in my arms in the back seat, the whole time comforting her while she kept having seizure after seizure. I thought, “She’s not going to be able to take much more of this.”
About 10 minutes into the ride, she had yet another seizure. But this time, her legs, which had been rigid throughout, when limp. At first I thought the worst had passed. She had relaxed and it was easy to believe she was napping. But something told me she wasn’t, and I said to David, “I think she just died.”
Five minutes later we were at the vet hospital. Two doctors came to the car. They confirmed what we already knew. Their best guess from our description was that she had ingested something poisonous and very very toxic. Even if we had gotten her there 10 minutes earlier, they could not have done anything. We’ll never know what she ate.
Anyway, that’s what happened yesterday. The facts as we know them.
David and I are very sad, but we’re ok. The rest of the story is what I learned from having Josie as my friend:
- Encountering humans is a cause for celebration. It makes any moment better. And often, when you show those people how happy you are to see them (even if you’ve never met before) you brighten their day too.
- Sitting and observing helps you get the bigger picture. You never know when you might have a chance to be helpful, so keep looking.
- Being outside is always a gift. Take the opportunity whenever it’s offered. The natural world (backyard, neighborhood, hills, creeks, forest, beach) is filled with indescribable wonders. To be out there in it, taking it all in with eyes, ears and nose wide open… is to be alive. At least once a day get up from the computer and go for a walk, a run, or a hike. Do.
- Play is essential. Anyone who wants to play with you is, by definition, a friend. The game itself doesn’t need rules… though it often involves a ball. Sometimes it’s simply a game of chase with no special requirements, except the spirit of fun you bring to it.
- Sticks are cool, though no one is sure why. Holding a good smooth stick while you walk along a trail can make you feel like a top dog.
- Having a family that loves you is the best feeling there is. Knowing you belong with them and they are there to take care of you and keep you safe, helps you relax. Relaxed and happy, you are your best self, which inspires others to be happy too. Isn’t that what it’s all about?
Thank you, Josie. Up, up, up!
 Josie
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