Annie Fox's Blog...

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

Should I continue to fight for this girl?

February 26, 2018

You're always on my mind

You’re always on my mind

Most of my teen email questions come from girls, but that doesn’t mean I don’t give advice to boys. I do. In fact, I welcome questions from guys. I also invite guys to read the questions girls send in. Likewise, girls should read the questions guys send me. In this way we can learn about each other and about how to be our best in the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Zone.

This question came from a high school sophomore who is trying to figure out what’s going on with the girl he likes. Maybe you’ve been there.

Hey Terra,

I met a girl that I think is the woman of my life!!! Since the first week of classes we talked every day about everything! Each day I loved her more. I know she liked me at first, but as time passed and we continued talking, I realized that she wasn’t acting the same. Her friend told me that she didn’t like me any more. We still text, every day at all hours, and we still talk about everything. She is very funny and cute in the messages, but in person, she acts like she doesn’t know me!

Do you think I should continue to fight for her?

–So Mixed Up

Dear So Mixed Up

I understand that you have very strong feelings for this girl, but when you talk about “fighting for her,” what are you really saying? It is not possible to force someone to “love” you if she doesn’t have those feelings. No amount of “fighting” or begging or pleading or manipulation will change her heart.

Clearly you and this girl have things in common. That is why, when you are texting, you can “talk about everything.” That’s what friends do. But when you two are together, face-to-face, something changes. When Person A feels a romantic attraction and Person B does not, it can be awkward for Person B. Maybe the change in her behavior is her way of creating distance because she does not have the same (romantic) interest in you as you have in her.

Here’s my suggestion: Enjoy the texting friendship. Do not put any pressure on the girl to spend time with you in-person. Let her decide what level of interaction she is comfortable with.

As for you, you can decide what you wish to do (if anything) about this relationship. Here are some options to consider:

1. Continue texting and enjoying the friendship for what it is. No pressure or expectation for it to be more than a friendship.
2. Stop texting her and withdraw from all contact and communications. You might choose this option is being “just friends” is too uncomfortable for you.
3. Talk to her about the change in her behavior. Have a private, respectful conversation about what you’ve noticed in the way she treats you when others are there.
4. Take a break from the drama and use the break to spend time with other people, guys and girls. This will help you develop more friendships and take some of your focus off of this girl.

When thinking about your next move, please try to be as helpful as possible. And, of course, to treat yourself and others with respect.

One more thing: If you feel you have to “fight” to win this girl’s heart, something is wrong.

Good luck!

In friendship,
Terra

---------

How do I get him back?!!

January 27, 2011

Love can make you crazy and blind. It can (temporarily) mess with your IQ and confuse you into thinking that something destined to make things worse is going to help a romance. When it comes to Bf/Gf situations, I define “worse” as: more stressful, more hurtful, more confusing, more frustrating, and in all ways less awesome.

When you’re so “in love” you can’t think straight, don’t try. Instead STOP, get your hands off the cell phone (or anything else that’ll connect you to social media) and take a whole bunch of slow deep breaths. Then, after you’ve calmed down and cleared your head a bit, if you’re still very confused about your next best move, then reach out to someone you trust and talk things over with them.

That’s exactly what this girl did when she emailed me about getting dumped by her boyfriend.

Hey Terra,

I have a boyfriend who just broke up with me. I really love him and want him back, but he told me that he don’t want me. Please Terra I’m begging! I really want him and me to work out. I don’t want to lose him. I want him back. HELP!!!

Confused Angel

_________________
Dear Confused Angel,

You say “I don’t want to lose him.” Fair enough, but sweetheart, he’s already gone. The guy makes his own choices. Same as you. Speaking of choices, why would you choose to be with a guy who doesn’t want you? That makes no sense. You know what happens when girls are desperate to “get him back”? They often end up doing stupid things they’re not ready for and/or really don’t want to do,  just to keep the guy around. (You know what I’m talking about.) And then, after the girl does the stuff she’s not proud of, you know what happens next? The guy dumps her a second time because while he might have enjoyed the sex, he wasn’t into the relationship. Which is what he said the first time he dumped her!

Look, Angel, I understand how much it can hurt when the person you love doesn’t feel the same way about you. I’ve been there. More than once. But you can’t force someone to love you. That isn’t how it works.

You are a beautiful, radiant, powerful, young woman and you deserve to be with someone who wants you as much as you want him. If your ex bf doesn’t love you and doesn’t want to be with you then he is NOT the right guy for you!

I hope this helps straighten out your head a bit.

In friendship,
Terra

P.S. Don’t call or text him.

Filed under: Parenting,Teens — Tags: , , , — Annie @ 4:55 pm
---------
Follow Annie Fox on Social Media and the Web