crushes | Annie Fox's Blog

Should I continue to fight for this girl?

February 26, 2018

You’re always on my mind

Most of my teen email questions come from girls, but that doesn’t mean I don’t give advice to boys. I do. In fact, I welcome questions from guys. I also invite guys to read the questions girls send in. Likewise, girls should read the questions guys send me. In this way we can learn about each other and about how to be our best in the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Zone.

This question came from a high school sophomore who is trying to figure out what’s going on with the girl he likes. Maybe you’ve been there.

Hey Terra,

I met a girl that I think is the woman of my life!!! Since the first week of classes we talked every day about everything! Each day I loved her more. I know she liked me at first, but as time passed and we continued talking, I realized that she wasn’t acting the same. Her friend told me that she didn’t like me any more. We still text, every day at all hours, and we still talk about everything. She is very funny and cute in the messages, but in person, she acts like she doesn’t know me!

Do you think I should continue to fight for her?

–So Mixed Up

Dear So Mixed Up

I understand that you have very strong feelings for this girl, but when you talk about “fighting for her,” what are you really saying? It is not possible to force someone to “love” you if she doesn’t have those feelings. No amount of “fighting” or begging or pleading or manipulation will change her heart.

Clearly you and this girl have things in common. That is why, when you are texting, you can “talk about everything.” That’s what friends do. But when you two are together, face-to-face, something changes. When Person A feels a romantic attraction and Person B does not, it can be awkward for Person B. Maybe the change in her behavior is her way of creating distance because she does not have the same (romantic) interest in you as you have in her.

Here’s my suggestion: Enjoy the texting friendship. Do not put any pressure on the girl to spend time with you in-person. Let her decide what level of interaction she is comfortable with.

As for you, you can decide what you wish to do (if anything) about this relationship. Here are some options to consider:

1. Continue texting and enjoying the friendship for what it is. No pressure or expectation for it to be more than a friendship.
2. Stop texting her and withdraw from all contact and communications. You might choose this option is being “just friends” is too uncomfortable for you.
3. Talk to her about the change in her behavior. Have a private, respectful conversation about what you’ve noticed in the way she treats you when others are there.
4. Take a break from the drama and use the break to spend time with other people, guys and girls. This will help you develop more friendships and take some of your focus off of this girl.

When thinking about your next move, please try to be as helpful as possible. And, of course, to treat yourself and others with respect.

One more thing: If you feel you have to “fight” to win this girl’s heart, something is wrong.

Good luck!

In friendship,
Terra

Filed under: Parenting,Teens — Tags: boyfriend-girlfriend, broken heart, crushes, lovesick, Relationships, Teen Relationships — Annie @ 8:54 pm

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She promised she wouldn’t tell my crush, but she told him anyway!

November 6, 2014

Girls' Q&A Book Blog Tour Bus. Fueled by good will and good friendship strategies. Zero carbon emissions.

Thanks to PhotoShop, anyone can have a customized tour bus!

When my tripped-out Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship blog tour bus pulled up at UnhookedMedia.com, Megan Hunter (@UnhookedBooks) served up some of the most drama-inducing girl friendship questions ever. Like this one…

Question: After telling a girl that I liked a boy in my class, she promised not to tell anyone and then… she told him! Now I feel awkward around him and his friends and mostly want to be invisible. I’m mad at the girl and don’t want to be her friend anymore. How do I handle this?

Annie: One of the most important parts of a friendship is trust. If you and your friend totally trust each other, you can relax because you can count on each other to be supportive and respectful. You trusted the girl to keep her promise. For whatever reason, she spilled the beans. It is understandable you are angry. You don’t trust her and you don’t want to count on her as a friend any more. But wouldn’t you like to know why she broke that promise? I would!

Did you hear….???

I suggest you have a private face-to-face conversation with this girl. Make sure you are in a quiet place where you can talk without interruption. You don’t need an audience, that only creates more drama and you’ve already had enough, right? When the two of you are alone, you might say something like this: “I’m very upset you broke your promise not to tell ______ that I like him. Why did you do that?” Then be quiet, stay calm, and let her answer the question. This is how we communicate in a friendship. We let people know how we feel and we give them a turn to explain their side of the story. We listen to each other and try to find a way through the problem.

As for feeling “awkward” around the boys… obviously what your friend told your crush can’t be taken back. Now he knows you like him maybe this will turn out to be a good thing. It’s possible! Here’s something you can try to make you feel less awkward and more powerful: The next time you see this boy take some slow deep breaths and say to yourself, “He knows I like him. Liking someone isn’t a bad thing. I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m going to hold my head up, be confident, and smile.” Then do it.

For the rest of my Q & A with Megan Hunter (@UnhookedBooks) read on…

Filed under: Friendship,Girls' Friendship — Tags: breaking promises, crushes, friendship betrayals, Megan Hunter, Telling secrets, The Girls Q&A Book on Friendship, UnhookedMedia.com — Annie @ 2:12 pm

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Cure for obessive teen love?

July 16, 2014

Who gets to break my heart without my permission?

Breaking up is hard to do. And painful. Hopefully, though, there were good times before the relationship tanked, so at least you’ve got some happy memories. On the other hand, if you’re obsessed with someone who was never nice to you, well, that’s just pain on pain. No one needs that.

Recently got an email from a girl in that dark place. Read on…

My heart aches for him and I really want to move, but I find myself checking his instagram, facebook, and all other social media just to see him. I cant let go, even though I want to so bad. I’m torn between wanting him to want me and wanting to forget about him completely. It’s been almost a year. I just hate this obsession. What do I do? –So Stuck

Dear So Stuck,

The truth may hurt, but I’ve got to say it anyway. This guy doesn’t care about you, That’s the way it is. You may wish things were different, but all the wishing in the Known Universe and beyond will not change fact.

Here’s something else that’s true: You deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. This guy is not The One. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you will find The One (Maybe during this coming school year! There’s an exciting thought!)

In the meantime, you’ve got to stop checking up on this guy. It’s a total waste of the summer and, more important, it’s bringing you down. You have gotten into an unhealthy habit here, but you can get back in control. Here’s how:

1. Make an agreement with yourself to stop stalking him.

2. Whenever you get the thought, “I’ll just check his instagram, FB, etc.” notice that thought.

3. Imagine the device you’re holding is burning hot. Get your hands off the darn thing right now this minute!

4. Close your eyes and BREATHE mindfully. Inhale slowly and evenly through your nose. Then relax your jaw and exhale, slowly and evenly through your mouth. Repeat 5 times….. S-L-O-W-L-Y.

5. Did you do it? If not, what are you waiting for? Do it now.

6. After breathing, the urge to “check on him” should be less intense. If not, breathe some more. If it is less, congrats! You got yourself back in control. Well done. You know how to do this. And you’ll probably get lots of practice. Whenever you feel the urge to check up on him, think “Fire!!! Will not get burned again. Hands up! Breathe…”

7. Go do something you enjoy. Something away from the phone or computer with people you like who like you back.

I hope this helps.

In friendship,
Terra