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April 9, 2018
 If not, what will I do without you? A minor disagreement with a best friend can be worked out with a simple, honest conversation. But a major disagreement, for example, one of you wants more time/closeness than the other, is tougher to resolve. You still need to talk about it. Sitting on feelings (like resentment and jealousy) only intensifies them. Intense feelings may lead you to doing and saying things you’ll later regret. Not good for you or the friendship.
Here’s a recent email from a girl who’s having a hard time dealing with jealousy in a friendship.
Teen: Me and my best friend have been close for quite a long time, but I know the friendship is on the verge of unhealthy. I value the friendship more than she does, which means I put way more effort into it. I get jealous whenever she spends time with other people. I’ve tried to step back and give her space, but I miss her already. I know that we can’t be friends like we used to be, but I don’t know how to stop these feelings. When the friendship ends she’ll move on with her other friends and I’ll be heartbroken. What do I do? Thanks 🙂
Annie: This friendship sounds a bit unbalanced. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes one friend has a busier schedule than the other. That doesn’t mean she cares less than the one who has more free time. Sometimes both friends feel the need for “time together and time apart.” That gives both people a chance to explore other friendships and other interests. This can be a good thing even if it feels strange at first.
The real measure of friendship is not the amount of time. It’s how both people feel when they are together. It sounds like you feel unappreciated by your friend and jealous of how happy she is with other people. You said it yourself, “I value the friendship more than she does.” Yes, it seems that’s true. That’s a problem because it makes you feel powerless and unworthy. Like you don’t count.
Here’s something to think about: We can get so used to things in a friendship (who puts in more effort/who values the friendship more, etc.) that it all seems normal. There is nothing normal about feeling like you don’t count in a friendship! You count as much as much as she does. You deserve a friend who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her. That doesn’t mean you two have to be together all the time or that neither of you can have other friends. It simply means that when you are together, you ought to feel accepted, respected and appreciated. If you don’t then it’s time for you to stand up for yourself. Either you can talk to her about her behavior or you can take her behavior as a clear sign that she is less interested in this friendship than you are.
If that’s the case, I’d suggest you go shopping for a new best friend.
Teen: That makes so much sense, thank you. I just don’t know how I’m gonna cope without her and I’m not exactly the kind of person who makes friends easily. Any tips?
Annie: First make a list to help you understand what qualities are important to you in a friend. Fill in the blank to this sentence:
I want a friend who is ___________________________.
Keep filling in the blank until you run out of ideas. This list will help you understand what you’re looking for and how to recognize it when you find it. Also, please know that a friendship is a two-way street. Make sure that you are able to give to a friend the same things you expect a friend to give to you.
Good luck!
August 26, 2016
 What’s wrong with it, Mom? Back-to-school means new clothes. We’ve had previous conversations here and here about how the clothing and toy industries sexualize kids. It’s hard for parents to push back against billion dollar corporations who couldn’t care less about your standards for appropriate attire for your children.
But you have to shop, so you head to the store armed with your standards, but you can’t find anything you feel good about purchasing. To make things dicier, your child loves the clothes you despise.
That’s this mom’s problem:
Dear Annie:
How do I talk to my 12 year old daughter about how the way she dresses? She has a very “womanly” body and could easily pass for 18! She’s proud of the way she looks and I am delighted she is comfortable with her body. I don’t want to ruin that by saying the wrong thing, but I also do not want her to continue dressing in a way that seems to me to be provocative. She may be teased, she may get “hit-on” by a MAN! I want to protect her and at the same time, foster her confidence in herself.
Please help me with the right words. Thanks! – In a bind
Dear In a bind,
It’s great your daughter feels so comfortable in her body. May her self-confidence continue throughout her lifetime!
I’ll assume you pay for her clothes. If you aren’t comfortable with her choices you have veto power. Avoid heated conversations in the store. Talk about it before your next shopping trip or before handing over money to her for purchasing clothes.
You might say something like this:
“Sweetheart, I love how confident you are about your body. Many girls don’t feel so comfortable in their own skin as you do. But you need a reality check. We live in a society where men and boys (and other girls and women) judge you based on how you dress.
It isn’t fair to make assumptions about people because of how they look or dress, but fair or unfair, it is part of the reality of growing up as a girl.
We also live in a society where some men and boys feel entitled to treat women as sexual objects not human beings with equal rights. Sexual harassment is unwanted attention (crude remarks, touching, etc.). It is never ok. And it is never a compliment. So don’t be confused. Harassment makes girls feel uncomfortable and unsafe. No one has the right to do that to anyone. And yet, too often, harassers take no responsibility and are not held responsible for their behavior. They simply shrug and say, “She brought it on because of the way she dresses.” She (who ever she is) did not “bring it on.” To say that is a lie. It is also disrespectful to girls and women.
As your mom it’s my job to keep you safe and to educate you about the messages your clothing choices might be sending, without your knowing it. Let’s talk about this.”
Stay calm and keep your voice neutral and respectful and you could open up a very positive ongoing conversation with your daughter.
I hope this helps.
Annie
P.S. I reached out to my wise friend and fellow educator, Iréné Celcer for added input on your dilemma. Here are her three tips and thoughts.
1) Engage her in a conversation vs a lecture. Find out her thoughts, feelings and ideas on the topic. (See the paragraph below for a way to start.)
2) This conversation is not a ONE TIME thing. It will develop ebb and turn and change. And it may be the one area that she choses to drive you crazy with. Be smart and chose your battles.
3) No matter how she looks on the outside, she is still only 12 years old. And you are and should be the one who approves the clothing. You hold that wallet.
July 30, 2015
 What’s wrong with you? Can’t you take a joke?! For better or for worse, our tweens and teens spend immeasurably more time with their friends than we did at their age. UOK wid dat? If we allow it, digital access enables them to connect every waking hour. These interactions strengthen interpersonal skills as often as they undermine them. Our kids must learn to set boundaries with other kids so they’ll develop confidence in who they are and what they need in a relationship.
Today’s question comes from a parent whose 10-year-old daughter has two challenging friendships.
Friend A says things to my daughter that undermine her confidence (“Everyone knows your writing sucks.”) but then laughs it off as a joke. Friend B is very sweet and kind, but too clingy. She always wants to do whatever my daughter does. Are there phrases she could use to help her tell the bitchy chick to change or go away, and to tell the lovely friend to be more independent?
– Frustrated Mom
Setting boundaries is something we all have to learn, because we need to teach people how to treat us. When we stay silent in the face of insults or we laugh along with the people mocking us, we send this message: “It’s OK for you to put me down.” Since that’s not the message your daughter wants to send, she needs to speak up for herself.
When Friend A makes nasty comments then hides behind “Just kidding!” your daughter needs confidence to let the girl know she just “crossed the line.” Ah, but how?
Many girls equate challenging a friend with being “mean” and that’s part of the reason they avoid “confrontations.” Make sure your daughter understands this isn’t a confrontation, it’s a respectful communication. Let her also know that standing up for herself (or others) doesn’t make her “mean” it makes her brave.
Advise your girl to stay calm and strong while she makes eye-contact, and simply speaks the truth. She might say something like this to Friend A: “That didn’t feel like ‘kidding’ to me. It hurts. If you’re really my friend, you won’t do that again.” Now Friend A has been put on notice and your daughter has taken back her power. If your daughter needs help saying these words, role play with her until she feels ready for the conversation. Hopefully this will work. If Friend A continues to make cutting remarks, then your daughter will have to continue standing up for herself and/or find the EXIT to this friendship.
In the case of “too clingy” Friend B… that’s a bit trickier. Your daughter has the right to choose who she spends time with but she doesn’t ever have the right to intentionally hurt anyone. (Remind her how it feels to be on the receiving end of one of Friend A’s zingers.) But that doesn’t mean she must continue to allow herself to be smothered in her clingy friend’s embrace. She might say something like this to Friend B: “I like spending some time with you but not all the time. I want to spend time with other friends, too. So today, let’s hang out together during lunch recess. Then tomorrow I’m going to hang out with Friend C.” That’s a clear communication and it is sensitive and respectful. Friend B may not be happy to hear that she won’t be with your daughter tomorrow, but if your daughter stays calm and delivers the message clearly and confidently, Friend B will (eventually) figure out that she needs to widen her friendship circle.
December 24, 2014
 Some things you never forget My mother, Martha Scolnick Larris, died on Christmas Eve. Tonight I’ll light the yahrzeit lamp to mark the anniversary of her passing. The same lamp she used to honor her parents’ memory. I guess some day my children will light it for me. Lovely Jewish tradition.
1994. It’s been twenty years. My relationship with my mother was often contentious and frustrating and hurtful. As much for her as it was for me, I’m sure. Takes two to tango. But we also had fun together. And there was much about her that I loved and admired including her love of books, her impressive vocabulary and quick wit, her instant rapport with every child she encountered, her self-reliance and her sense of fairness. She was a whiz at canasta and bridge and absolutely unbeatable in Scrabble. Also, my mom had a dynamite smile which you can see in this photo at the right.
I think of her often while I’m in the kitchen. I still have her coffee pot and her ice cream scoop. I still make her meatloaf, her sweet potato and marshmallow casserole, her banana chocolate chip cake. But it’s in the garden, when I marvel at my gladiolus or smell the lilacs that she comes to me most. The fact that I have a garden which gives me so much pleasure is a direct result of being my mom’s daughter. Let me tell you, that woman knew her flowers. And because of her, so do I. And so does my daughter.
 This iris grows in my garden because my mom had them in hers. Maybe it seems a small thing to know a freesia from a forsythia, a hydrangea from a hyacinth. And who really cares if those iris bulbs I got from my neighbor seem bluer this year than ever? I care. I can’t help it. This special awareness of plants provides me… no compels me to pay attention and celebrate color, light, form and fragrance. If I saw them all as “just flowers” I’d be missing most of the show and I certainly wouldn’t be taking photos of them every chance I get. Appreciating beauty at that level ain’t small potatoes. So thank you, Mom.
I know all moms are not always a positive influence on their children. People, including our parents, come into our lives for a reason. But even in a less than wonderful childhood there are positive lessons. Take a moment and think about those lessons. They are gifts you’ve received. Now think about the legacy you’re giving to your children. Hopeful it’s a life-affirming one.
Your comments, as always, are welcome.
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