Annie Fox's Blog...

Thoughts about teens, tweens, parenting and this adventure of living on Earth in the 21st century.

Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, award-winning author, and a trusted online adviser for tweens and teens.

The facts – and the rest of the story

June 10, 2012

Sad news. Our sweet Josie dog died yesterday. She was just 3. We still can’t really believe it, but they say facts never lie. In this case, I wish they would.

Josie was fine yesterday morning. After breakfast we went on a hike and as was her custom, she went off for a bit on her own on the trail, then came back to us when we called. She was fine. Happy. We finished the hike and walked back home. Within moments of our being back in the house, she began having seizures. We had no idea what was going on. It had never happened before. We called our vet and were directed to the emergency animal hospital in San Rafael. We carried her into the car. David drove and I held her in my arms in the back seat, the whole time comforting her while she kept having seizure after seizure. I thought, “She’s not going to be able to take much more of this.”

About 10 minutes into the ride, she had yet another seizure. But this time, her legs, which had been rigid throughout, when limp. At first I thought the worst had passed. She had relaxed and it was easy to believe she was napping. But something told me she wasn’t, and  I said to David, “I think she just died.”

Five minutes later we were at the vet hospital. Two doctors came to the car. They confirmed what we already knew. Their best guess from our description was that she had ingested something poisonous and very very toxic. Even if we had gotten her there 10 minutes earlier, they could not have done anything. We’ll never know what she ate.

Anyway, that’s what happened yesterday. The facts as we know them.

David and I are very sad, but we’re ok. The rest of the story is what I learned from having Josie as my friend:

  • Encountering humans is a cause for celebration. It makes any moment better. And often, when you show those people how happy you are to see them (even if you’ve never met before) you brighten their day too.
  • Sitting and observing helps you get the bigger picture. You never know when you might have a chance to be helpful, so keep looking.
  • Being outside is always a gift. Take the opportunity whenever it’s offered. The natural world (backyard, neighborhood, hills, creeks, forest, beach) is filled with indescribable wonders. To be out there in it, taking it all in with eyes, ears and nose wide open… is to be alive. At least once a day get up from the computer and go for a walk, a run, or a hike. Do.
  • Play is essential. Anyone who wants to play with you is, by definition, a friend. The game itself doesn’t need rules… though it often involves a ball. Sometimes it’s simply a game of chase with no special requirements, except the spirit of fun you bring to it.
  • Sticks are cool, though no one is sure why. Holding a good smooth stick while you walk along a trail can make you feel like a top dog.
  • Having a family that loves you is the best feeling there is. Knowing you belong with them and they are there to take care of you and keep you safe, helps you relax. Relaxed and happy, you are your best self, which inspires others to be happy too. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

Thank you, Josie. Up, up, up!

Josie

 

Filed under: Parenting — Tags: , , — Annie @ 2:39 pm
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Does she bite?

June 1, 2010

Trust me. I'm a friend.

The developmentally disabled adults sat in front of the church waiting for their bus. “Would you like to say hello to my dog?” I asked the young woman who cautiously eyed my puppy. She recoiled and shook her head. But this pooch takes her job on the Welcoming Committee very seriously so she just kicked the wagging and wiggling up a notch. The woman was finding it hard to resist.

“Does he bite?” she wanted to know.
“Nope. But she’s really into kisses.”
The woman smiled, relaxed and the bonding began.

It’s risky business making a new friend. Especially if you’re a tween or teen who hasn’t had a lot of social success. It would be very cool to find out in advance: “Does she bite?”

From the email I get from kids I know that bullying and/or harassment situations often involve former friends. (AKA, a frenemy)  The betrayal hurts as much if not more than the nastiness.

If only we could find out earlier if she “bites.” Might avoid a lot of drama and suffering.

Filed under: Cruel's Not Cool,Parenting,Teens — Tags: , , , , , — Annie @ 1:16 pm
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Good dog and the meta-message

November 29, 2009

That's a good dog

That's a good dog

A couple of weeks ago I interviewed Rachel Simmons The Wise for my podcast series Family Confidential. We talked about her new book: The Curse of The Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls With Courage and Confidence. We also discussed how often moms engage in meta-conversations with their daughters (i.e., Mom says one thing and a fingertip below the surface churns the unspoken message). With all that doublespeak how can a girl learn to be  authentic and express the truth of her heart?  Not very easily. And it isn’t  just moms and daughters. As Rachel put it, no matter who you’re talking to or what relationship you’ve got, “… there’s always a meta-conversation going on.”

For example:

Parent: Oh, you’re still on the phone.

Meta-message: I just know you won’t get your homework done tonight and then what? You think I enjoy nagging you? Well, I don’t! But if I don’t stay on your case how are you ever going to get into a decent college??

Mini meta-message: You’re lazy and I’m disappointed in you.

Parent: Don’t you think your other jeans would look better with that top?

Meta-message: Those jeans are too tight and too low cut. They make you look fat and slutty. What will Grandma say when she sees you wearing that? She’s going to think I’m a bad mother to let you dress that way!

Mini meta-message: You’re fat and you embarrass me.

Parent:  How’s Janie these days?

Meta-message: Are you two still friends? Did you hurt her feelings or do something to make her mad? Are you now hanging out with people I should be worried about? (Sigh) You and I used to be so close. Now you don’t tell me anything. What else are you hiding from me? I’m not sure I even want to know!

Mini meta-message: You’re not a good friend and I don’t trust you.

Visiting with family and friends this holiday weekend I’ve thought about meta-messages. And whether they’re conscious or not, communication patterns between people often determine who we like to hang out with and who doesn’t make our “favorites” list.

Early this morning me and my dog Josie snuck out of the house before anyone else was awake. We headed for the nearby hills and because Josie’s only 8 months old and full of beans I let her off-leash. She instantly vanished through the trees tracking deer and squirrels and nosing the underbrush for ticks thumbing a ride to our house. While she was gone I walked on, enjoying the quiet light and the colors. Every so often I’d whistle for Josie and she’d reappear. Sometimes from behind me on the trail. Sometimes from way ahead. We’d smile at each other and wag our tails. “Yes! Good dog!” Then I’d give her a treat. After each reunion she’d take off  again and I continued hiking.

So it went for about an hour. When I finally put her back on leash I thought about the meta-conversation Josie and I had and why she happily kept returning to me. The way I figure, it comes down to this… each of us, dog or human, prefers to hang with people who tell us we are good dogs.

It also help if they give us treats.

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