Ice Cream Break in Costa Rica
Play your cards right and your empty nest isn’t empty 100% of the time. Since we officially became empty nesters in May 2007, ours has shifted from accommodating just me, David and Vermont, to periods where 5 people lived here, then 4, then 2, then 3, then 5 and now a new configuration of 3. The key to success when coming together again, at home or on vacation, is replacing the old parent-child relationship with one that matches the new reality of who “the kids” have become.
Having our daughter and son, their significant others and/or their friends stay with us from time to time is a wish fulfilled. Because going home for the holidays was never much of a vacation for me… at least not after the first day. My mom and I were hopelessly stuck in a mutually destructive gear. It wasn’t until the last year of her life, when she was terminally ill, that we finally figured out how to have a wonderful relationship… as two adults.
I didn’t want to wait until I was dying to make peace with my adult children. So I’ve worked hard to maintain a healthy relationship with them. The efforts have paid off, but it takes an ongoing commitment.
Since we’ve got no mind readers here and we don’t worship at the altar of “Grin and bear it” when our kids come back to live temporarily, as our daughter recently did after completing a year of travel, we call a family meeting to discuss everyone’s expectations and needs during the new arrangement. It usually boils down to two basics:
Parents: We want to feel like we’re all adults on the same team, sharing the shopping, cooking, and cleaning.
Young adults: We want to be treated like adults, not kids who need your input on how to live our lives.
Sounds like we’ve got a deal. That’s why one of my New Year’s resolutions is “Give no unsolicited advice.” Why bother? Adult children (teens too) don’t want it. They won’t accept it. And they resent you for offering it. Want less resentment? Quit giving them advice. Good advice! But damnit I give advice for a living! Keeping my mouth shut when I’ve got a helpful suggestion will be tough. It will also be poetic justice.
Receiving unsolicited advice from my mother drove me nuts. I protested that she was treating me like a child. I also demonstrated my immaturity by dismissing all of her advice… especially the really good suggestions. I now understand that her way of loving me was to help me avoid mistakes. Even though Mom and I danced around in circles, here are some essential life lessons learned in her class: a) No one takes away your power unless you hand it over. b) “Why don’t you put on a sweater?” means “I love you.” and c) When hanging out with your adult children, talk less and listen more.
Here’s a New Year’s challenge for you, if you’re game… take a look at your relationship with each of your children. Now fast forward to a time when they return, as young adults to visit you. What would you like to see your relationship develop into? What could you start doing today (or stop doing) that might help you reach the place you want to be with them when they grow up?
If you have any thoughts to share please post your comments!
In the meantime, Happy New Year from our family to yours… And good luck playing your cards right in 2009.
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Excellent message and well said. I like the idea of a parent assessing their behavior towards their teenage child and thinking how they would like things to develop a few years down the line when that child is a young adult.
Comment by Fayette — January 3, 2009 @ 9:31 am
Most people probably don’t view the trajectory of a relationship as something they can impact. But I do. It seems like common sense that you evaluate where you are in relation to where you’d like to be and then make the appropriate changes to help you get there. Not any different from setting any other kind of goal. Of course, in a relationship, you only get to modify one side of the dynamic, but still… you can choose to talk with the other person about the direction you want to go in… come to some understanding and then work together to reshape the quality of your interactions.
Comment by Annie — January 3, 2009 @ 9:43 am
cool blog. go obama!
Comment by Ruben — January 11, 2009 @ 1:21 pm
We all need to know about what is happening in D.C because we are Americans too. Soon I will be able to vote and i want to know about America’s past so that i can make decisions about the future. Also, i want to be able to know what happens during the inauguration.
Comment by Jennifer S. from Del Mar — January 13, 2009 @ 11:33 am
We should care about what happens in Washington, because it depends on our futures. What Barack Obama does and says affects on our whole lives for the next 4 or maybe the next 8 years, so we should definately care what happens in Washington, so when we are old enough to vote we would have a good idea on who we would vote for.
Comment by Pieter (Del Mar Middle school) — January 13, 2009 @ 11:34 am
What new and unusual security measures have been taken to protect americas first african america president
Comment by Ross DMS — January 13, 2009 @ 9:07 pm
Do you think obama will walk the road to the white house doing the inauguration or sit in the car
Comment by Ross DMS — January 13, 2009 @ 9:09 pm
how much is the inauguation costing america
Comment by Ross DMS — January 13, 2009 @ 9:10 pm
when obama does his speech do you think that his wife will say something to america
Comment by Ross DMS — January 13, 2009 @ 9:11 pm
No, I don’t think Michelle Obama will be making a speech during the swearing in ceremony on January 20th.
Comment by Annie — January 13, 2009 @ 9:48 pm
Hi Ross,
I found the answer to your question about how much “America” (and I assume you mean tax payers) has to spend on the Inauguration. Boggger Mike Rubino writes ” The entire inauguration, including all of the fireworks, parades, parties, and events are paid for by donors. Not one cent of tax payer money goes to paying for the events, and in this inauguration the only tax payer money even being used is D.C.’s homeland security money to cover the increased security measures (something the city would be responsible for anyways).”
Comment by Annie — January 13, 2009 @ 9:54 pm
Interesting question, Ross! But I’m not in a position to know the answer. In fact, even if I were a member of the U.S. Secret Service the Federal Agency best known for its work in protecting the President, I’m sure I would not be talking to anyone outside of the agency about “new and unusual security measures” that have been taken to protect Barack Obama. Telling one’s secrets doesn’t sound like something the Secret Service would do, does it?
Comment by Annie — January 13, 2009 @ 10:11 pm
I think he will walk at least part of the way.
Comment by Annie — January 13, 2009 @ 10:12 pm