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March 24, 2019
 I wish I had a boyfriend… I just got an email from a girl who’s never had a boyfriend and she really wants one. We’ve all been there, right? Everyone deserves to be loved. Being loved by someone you love is an amazing feeling that nurtures your spirit and opens your heart and mind to the beauty of life. If you aren’t in a relationship and you want to be, you may feel frustrated and/or impatient. But you know what they say? You can’t hurry love. You can, however, prepare yourself to be a good partner by learning about yourself, what you want, and what you need.
Teen: I’m a 16 year old girl who never had a boyfriend before but I really want one. The thing is, I’m kind of shy so I’m not that good at flirting!
Annie: It might be helpful for you to think about what kind of boyfriend you’re looking for. How about if you fill in the blank in this sentence?
I want a boyfriend who is __________________________________________.
Keep brainstorming until you run out of things that are true for you.
Teen: I want a boyfriend who is: loyal, friendly, kind, respects boundaries, a good listener, and willing to try new things.
Annie: That’s a very thoughtful list of qualities. Good work. So tell me, do you already know someone with any or some of those qualities?
Teen: There’s one boy I know who actually has most of those qualities, but I’m not sure I have a chance with him and I’m not sure if he’s single or looking for a relationship. He’s about a a year older than me. We’re in an after school club together, but I’ve known him since last year outside of it.
Annie: With all those positive qualities, he sounds like a really good guy. Keep building the friendship. Maybe the friendship will grow into a romance, but even if it doesn’t, you are learning more about what you want and need in a relationship. That’s important!
btw, you might also be thinking about what you have to give, because a relationship is a 2-way street. It’s not just about what you want from someone, it’s also about what you have to offer.
Bottom line, try not to get too hung up about the boyfriend thing. I understand this might be hard, especially if it seems like everyone in your school is coupled up. I’ve been stuck in the “I wish I had a boyfriend” trap and I can honestly say wishing and hoping for love is a major waste of time, energy, and emotion that can be better spent doing a million other things. Love happens when it happens, and not a moment before. You can’t plan for it or schedule it. But you can always love yourself more and focus on becoming the best version of you. That means exploring your interests and passions, developing new talents and skills, and putting your gifts to good use. And while you’re at it, think about your goals in life. Dream big. You have so much more to accomplish than becoming “someone’s girlfriend.”
Oh, yeah, you do!
April 9, 2018
 If not, what will I do without you? A minor disagreement with a best friend can be worked out with a simple, honest conversation. But a major disagreement, for example, one of you wants more time/closeness than the other, is tougher to resolve. You still need to talk about it. Sitting on feelings (like resentment and jealousy) only intensifies them. Intense feelings may lead you to doing and saying things you’ll later regret. Not good for you or the friendship.
Here’s a recent email from a girl who’s having a hard time dealing with jealousy in a friendship.
Teen: Me and my best friend have been close for quite a long time, but I know the friendship is on the verge of unhealthy. I value the friendship more than she does, which means I put way more effort into it. I get jealous whenever she spends time with other people. I’ve tried to step back and give her space, but I miss her already. I know that we can’t be friends like we used to be, but I don’t know how to stop these feelings. When the friendship ends she’ll move on with her other friends and I’ll be heartbroken. What do I do? Thanks 🙂
Annie: This friendship sounds a bit unbalanced. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes one friend has a busier schedule than the other. That doesn’t mean she cares less than the one who has more free time. Sometimes both friends feel the need for “time together and time apart.” That gives both people a chance to explore other friendships and other interests. This can be a good thing even if it feels strange at first.
The real measure of friendship is not the amount of time. It’s how both people feel when they are together. It sounds like you feel unappreciated by your friend and jealous of how happy she is with other people. You said it yourself, “I value the friendship more than she does.” Yes, it seems that’s true. That’s a problem because it makes you feel powerless and unworthy. Like you don’t count.
Here’s something to think about: We can get so used to things in a friendship (who puts in more effort/who values the friendship more, etc.) that it all seems normal. There is nothing normal about feeling like you don’t count in a friendship! You count as much as much as she does. You deserve a friend who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her. That doesn’t mean you two have to be together all the time or that neither of you can have other friends. It simply means that when you are together, you ought to feel accepted, respected and appreciated. If you don’t then it’s time for you to stand up for yourself. Either you can talk to her about her behavior or you can take her behavior as a clear sign that she is less interested in this friendship than you are.
If that’s the case, I’d suggest you go shopping for a new best friend.
Teen: That makes so much sense, thank you. I just don’t know how I’m gonna cope without her and I’m not exactly the kind of person who makes friends easily. Any tips?
Annie: First make a list to help you understand what qualities are important to you in a friend. Fill in the blank to this sentence:
I want a friend who is ___________________________.
Keep filling in the blank until you run out of ideas. This list will help you understand what you’re looking for and how to recognize it when you find it. Also, please know that a friendship is a two-way street. Make sure that you are able to give to a friend the same things you expect a friend to give to you.
Good luck!
August 6, 2016
 The pieces don’t always go back together In 1964 Bob Dylan wrote his classic I Shall Be Free No. 10. A line from that song has stuck with me:
Now I gotta friend who spends his life
Stabbing my picture with a bowie-knife
Dreams of strangling me with a scarf
When my name comes up he pretends to barf
I’ve got a million friends!
A million friends. Imagine. And that was way before social media. Guess it depends on how you define friend. That’s a much discussed topic in the email I get. Like this recent one:
Hey Terra,
Me and Serena have been besties since kindergarten. One day we got into a little fight and stopped talking to each other for a while and during that time she goes to her cousin’s birthday party and meets Katie. Suddenly Serena and Katie are really good friends. They post selfies of them together all the time.
One day I call I ask if she would like to meet and she says: “Umm I don’t think I can because I’m with Katie” and I get kinda hurt because it kinda sounded like she didn’t want me around. Since then she hasn’t called me or respond to any of my texts. The other day I called her and asked if she would like to have a sleepover and she says “Not really.” and hangs up. She doesn’t really talk to me anymore. I don’t understand. What did I ever do to her? I really would like to have an answer please!! Are we even best friends anymore? – So Confused
Dear So Confused,
I understand why you’re confused. I don’t know why Serena’s acting this way either. It sounds like your “little fight” meant more to her than it did to you. She’s still upset and unless you two talk about it, you might spend a long while wondering what’s going on.
A “best friend” for all these years is definitely worth keeping, Of course, you can only maintain a friendship if both people are invested in it. It’s not going to work if you’re the only one who cares. While it’s worth trying to get to the bottom of this, it might not be so easy to have that honest, heart-to-heart conversation. Especially if she keeps hanging up on you and refuses your invitations to hang out.
You can send her an “I need to talk to you” message. If she doesn’t respond or she says “I don’t want to talk to you.” then you have to let it go for now. Please try to turn down the volume on the worrying. You can do that by trying my Breathing Challenge. You can also reach out to other people you enjoy being with. Make some plans. Enjoy what’s left of the summer. Getting closer to other people now will give you some new friends to start off the new school year. One more thing: If looking at her posted pictures makes you feel bad, don’t look. That’s going to help, too.
Good luck!
In friendship,
Terra
November 17, 2015
Terrorism. Roast turkey with stuffing. Refugees. Sweet potatoes with marshmallows. Fear. Trust. Violence. Kindness. We need Thanksgiving more than ever. But who gets the invite and who doesn’t?
 Hello, dear friend. You are welcome. A few years back, my dear friend Bettina was having health issues and emailed: “I know this is incredibly presumptuous and Miss Manners would be scandalized, but I’m wrangling for an invitation for Thanksgiving.” (Yes, she actually wrote that.)
I couldn’t believe she assumed she’d crossed the line by saying, “I’m not feeling well and I don’t want to be alone. Can I come over?” I called immediately and gave her top marks for asking for what she needed. She was relieved knowing she’d done the right thing by speaking up.
Most of us are quicker to stand up for others than for ourselves. On some level we must believe it’s a sign of weakness to ask for support. But where does that foolishness come from? Not long ago I asked a bunch of 6th-8th graders to rate themselves on two statements: “It’s easy for me to ask for help” and “I lie and pretend things are OK when they aren’t.” The results? Twenty-five percent of the kids said it was “never or almost never” easy to ask for help. Another 25 percent reported that “sometimes” they had trouble asking for help. Another sad finding: A whopping 83 percent admitted that “sometimes, always, or almost always” they fudge the truth and pretend things are OK when they aren’t.
An inability to ask for help, coupled with a habit of pretending things are fine when they’re not, is unhealthy. When we deny our human need to connect heart-to-heart we short-change ourselves and the people who love us.
Teaching kids to be good people includes helping them get comfortable asking for support. Sure, self-reliance is essential, so is resilience and learning to calm yourself when stressed. But inner resources aside, we all feel vulnerable at times. We are also interdependent. When we let people know how we feel and allow them to love us and help us, we honor our humanity. We do the same when we welcome others to our table, our classroom, our community.
When Bettina reached out to me, I was filled with love for her. I wanted to help, but our family was heading out of town for Thanksgiving. With my encouragement she confidently expressed her needs to another friend who gladly opened his heart and home. What would surely have been a sad and lonely day for her turned into a wonderful experience of friendship and a sense of belonging.
Less than two years later Bettina died. I’m comforted knowing she wasn’t alone that Thanksgiving. I admired her courage in reaching out and asking for what she needed. She taught me a powerful lesson: When it comes to friends and family, hold nothing back. Allow yourself to love and be loved fully, without limits.
Happy Holidays, from our family to yours.
 Peace
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